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July 31, 2004
Bedtime Story for the Depressed Insomniac
I can't sleep anymore. And when I do it's plagued with unknown nightmares. This tells the story of my fight with myself to fall into unconsciousness.
The darkest of dreams have haunted me as of late
And I have fallen into them without resistance
My eyes have long grown heavy
Breathing scarcely audible amidst the whirring of the fan blades
The solace I yearn to reach does not come with ease
I long to shut out this reality and live amid another
A place where you'd exist and never thought of leaving me behind
A place where you'd view me bathed in a loving light
A place where darkness has no power
A place of love
And in this place you would love me...
But this destination is just out of reach
Stretching with fingers wide, I try to touch its vast boundaries
I always fall short
Cries descend upon newly deafened ears
And I fail, like always.
I do not journey to this far away land of perfection
My feet stay cemented to the floor of this fucking wasteland I call life
Where each day becomes more meaningless than the one before
And monotony a constant companion
Tossing and turning in this queen sized casket
I dwell on everything
Every bad thought, feeling, event floods my brain
And I am helpless against them
I pray for death
Scream for death
Anything to cease this clutter coursing through my body
Anything to erase this life
Anything to find release
Posted by Nikalyn at 06:42 PM | Comments (0)
Buy thiiiis!
http://www.cooperationireland.org/supportus/ps/psh1.html
I want it mucho. SOOOO CUTE!! :)
Posted by Nikalyn at 01:41 AM | Comments (0)
July 29, 2004
Mixtape
I have taken on the task of labeling all my mix cds so I know what the hell is on them. This one cd has Val Emmich, Howie Day, and Orgy songs on it. I abbreviated the cd title: Val Howie Orgy
I stopped. Looked at it. Giggled for about 20 minutes.
It's sad how much I amuse myself.
Posted by Nikalyn at 09:10 PM | Comments (3)
I got my scholarship check
I got my scholarship check from the BHS alumni today. 500 dollars. God, I'll have so much money left over...Maybe I can buy clothes!
Posted by Nikalyn at 05:20 PM | Comments (2)
P U
Last night there were odd noises coming from our laundry room. The dryer pipes to be exact. It was of animal origin. We assumed it to be a rat or even perhaps the funny opossum we saw wandering around the neighborhood a few nights previous.
Tonight whilst I was out with Cody they opened the pipes and found the animal to be a baby skunk.
:(
So cute...
Poor lil skunky.
In other news...
*Cody is one of the coolest kids around. :) We're going on a stalking mission. Shhhh! Don't tell.
*Howie Day has consumed Elijah...my car...meaning he's all I listen to.
*Lyndsey's hair is pretty and dark again after a red scare. HAH GET IT? RED SCARE? COMMUNISTS?! HAHA. Ok...lame.
*I'm probably planning on dying mine again here in the near future so it actually turns the color I wanted and not have the red shine through. All the people who've seen it says it looks pretty much the same...not accomplishing my goal.
*I want clothes. There's a lot of clothes at Walmart I want. I never get clothes. I seriously wear about three outfits. I'm going to mention the fact that I want a few things at Walmart to the mother and father figure and see if they'll buy me some school stuff early since I know I won't find anything good when I look later. I'm so unfashionable! Cody dresses so much better than me! It's sad! I'm a girl! 0_0
*The whole world of Neopets is pissing me off. I think it's because it's all I do.
*I'm in such an Elijah mood after reading some delicious fan fiction about him doing...dirty deeds. :)
*I want books to read. I may go to the library tomorrow. I think I'm setting my alarm for like noon tomorrow. I want to get up earlier...
*Nooooooooooooooo one talks to me online. *stomps foot*
*Lyndsey cleaned. It looks snazzy. I'll clean a bit tomorrow whilst she's at work. My stuff looks crappy in this piece.
*I need to learn how to use my camera properly. I feel like a poseur.
*Kingdom Hearts is calling my name...
*I hate sleeping.
*I hate eating.
*I also hate the fact that you're leaving me behind.
*I hate that I feel robbed.
*I hate pretty much everything currently.
*I find the fact that I did this entry in this fashion to be completely faggoty.
*Speaking of faggoty ducks...Joey and his gay lover Jorge have a new friend, Paco. They all rest gayly on top of my monitor. Pics to come soon I imagine.
*Only losers don't know who Sean Astin is. OWNED!
*It's 5 o clock in the morrrrrning.
*I've lost all idea of what this entry was about and where it's going...
I got nothing to end this with.
Posted by Nikalyn at 05:21 AM | Comments (4)
July 28, 2004
Like Fo Sho!
*puts on fangirl hat*
I want to have like 10 million of Elijah's babies!! *high pitched giggle* I LuV hIm So MuCh!!!
*takes off fangirl hat*
Okay, I don't. Any babies after the first million would just be silly.
Fo Sho.
Posted by Nikalyn at 01:56 AM | Comments (3)
July 26, 2004
Well, I know what all
Well, I know what all I'm getting Lyndsey for her birthday.
It won't be much since I'm poor. I can't get her lots of expensive stuff like Will can but hopefully it will be cool and meaningful all the same.
I bought the Howie Day cd. Because...I wanted something for myself. The version of "She Says" is different than the one I downloaded. I hate when that happens...Maybe the one I downloaded is the one from "Australia?" I don't know if its different or not...
Oh well.
I'm thirsty. And hungry.
Posted by Nikalyn at 08:52 PM | Comments (3)
We built this city on rock n roll
I figured I should update. Something at least. Some little ditty to brighten up the faces of my loyal two viewers. Oh my, I do need friends...
Anyway, nothing interesting has been going on. I've zoned in and out of my unhappy moods. At the moment I'm fine but it will come back around. Ugh. I hate it. It seems I haven't been alone in these moods as I just had a talk with Cody regarding him feeling the exact same way. Well, at least I'm not so alone in this mood.
Let's see...hrm. My brother got one of his wisdom teeth pulled. It was pretty humorous at the time. lol. Oh, don't worry about him. I'm sure he enjoyed the drugs. He told me that they didn't even drug him since the dentist wasn't a oral surgeon, they just kinda wedged it out. Ick. That makes me feel queasy. If I get my wisdom teeth out someday those bitches better put me under. They're not crowbarring my teeth out. *rubs jaw*
My time has mostly been spent on Neoworld. It's sad, yes, I admit this fully. But I have nothing better to do really. And it's either this or tv. I just transferred almost all of my money to another account so I can try to get the soup faerie avatar. However, I didn't get it all transferred as the bank has a limit of times you can pull money out of the bank. Who knew. So I'll have to transfer the rest after 3 when the new day starts. I'm also working on turning that Ixi into a variety of colors...if people would accept my bids. Ugh.
Okay, enough of that.
God, I'm boring.
Posted by Nikalyn at 02:05 AM | Comments (2)
July 22, 2004
6 feet under
I spent a large part of the day amongst the dead. I thought I'd share. (A longish post with many images...but you better look and comment, bitch) Do the right click and open the images in another window. It's easier to relate the comment to the picture that way...
Click the thumbnails for larger pictures.
I like that it's dark and under a tree. If I were to get buried I'd think I'd want to be buried under a tree.
This person was cool enough to get a table as their gravestone. It's so neat. Cody said he loves it because it reminds him of the table that they tried to sacrifice Aslan on in "The Lion, Witch, and the Wardrobe." It really does remind one of that scene! I need to read that book...the movie really doesn't do justice I bet. Anyway!
It's like a little house. Under a tree again. Trees are nice. This place had so many good trees. And dead things. And I'm not referring to the people buried. They're coming back as zombies anyway...
It just has good shading. Once again, it's cool and under a tree.
This was a mega cool looking building. Apparently it used to hold funerals or something because it had a sign beside it that said something along the lines of "Funeral In Session." Cody says it's not used anymore and sadly is just a storage building. Hence, this guy coming out of it. He really ruined my shot. Oh well. Pretend it's a ghost. Or a zombie.
Huuuuge mausoleum. We tried looking in it but couldn't see anything of interest. We said we should break into it sometime...
A cool little cypt. We said Spike could live there. Except it doesn't have tv to watch "Passions" on. Shucks.
First off, I love this picture. I love that tree. I love that the shot goes upwards. I do not like American flags...but I'm looking past that...
The nice tree again.
This family got a cool pyramid thingy. There were smaller ones circling the big one. I suppose each one represented a family member. Rather snazzy.
Another crypty thing. It's snazzy because it has two boxes in it. I assume it's remains. The boxes are small enough to be jewerly boxes. I'm pretty sure we could have broken the lock easily. But that would be another law broken today. *clicks tongue* Anyway, I like how it's on an angle. Not sure what I was doing...
I LOVE this picture. This one and the next one. The cemetary is on this large hill type thing. The path goes around the hill to the top. At the top there's a monument. Once we got to the hill we sat down and rested and talked for a half hour or so. This tree is at the top. It's all dead and forboding looking. Two hawks were circling it half the time we were there. I love how the picture came out so dark looking. Fits the mood. Cody and I love this tree.
Two pics of the tree because it is just that cool. I had to actually lean back on the monument in order to get the shot. So cool. I'm a tad proud of it.
Anyway, you're done. I hope you liked them. Now I'm going to go cross post this everywhere. lol.
Cody is fantabulous fun.
Posted by Nikalyn at 08:58 PM | Comments (2)
God damn fucking rain!!!!
God damn fucking rain!!!!
Posted by Nikalyn at 11:57 AM | Comments (3)
July 21, 2004
I wish I didn't exist.
: (
Everyday it gets worse. Make it stop.
Posted by Nikalyn at 04:39 PM | Comments (1)
FUCK!
I just realized that Jessica Simpson sings "Angel" by Robbie Williams.
I'm pissed. She sounds horrible.
Robbie Williams rocks it out man.
*growls*
And she's doing a HORRIBLE lip syncing job to it.
God damn people, get your own songs. Be fucking creative. Write! Compose! Use that head and think up lyrics!! Stop redoing other people's songs!! GET YOUR OWN!
(Okay, someone might have done Angel before Robbie...but cmon...)
I'm in a large Robbie mood now.
I also wish I wasn't such a fucking huge loser.
Posted by Nikalyn at 03:07 AM | Comments (4)
July 20, 2004
How sad
Click below.
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| Advanced Big 30 Personality Test Results
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personality tests by similarminds.com
It says I'm depressed. Well, fuck. We all knew that. lol. But it also says I'm artistic. I believe that makes up for it. All great artists are depressed out of their mind. ;)
Posted by Nikalyn at 02:34 AM | Comments (6)
July 18, 2004
Drunk?
No...I'm still typing well also. I've drank like five alcoholic beverages and I'm still in good shape. I drank a lot mainly to see if I could get "drunk." It doesn't seem to be happening though. I suppose it's the Irish in me...high resistance.
I'm a little hiccupy. I've been going non stop for the last 10 minutes?
Awww. I ate all my oreos...
My hair is dyed. You can still see a bit of the reddish color shining through. It looks good so far. Although I absolutely hate how my hair looks right after I wash it so I can tell much about it right now.
Alcoholy makes me sleepy. And hot.
Posted by Nikalyn at 03:48 AM | Comments (2)
July 17, 2004
I'm sick of my hair.
I'm sick of my hair. I'm bored with red hair. I don't want it red right now. I'm not sure if it's just because I've had it the same color for the longest time or that I'm just sick of everything in life and my hair is the only thing I can change...
I just want it brown. Dark brown. No more red. At least for awhile. I think Lyndsey needs to dye her hair before Will gets here. Maybe we can dye hair tonight. I'm sure that would make me feel a bit better. I do need a change. Hrm.
I drove to Marietta. I was going to the Devola lock thingy. I got there and found the park thing was closed for renovation? Wtf? How can the river lock go under renovation? Whatever. So I was at the end of a dead end street and there was absolutely NO where to turn around. And there was a car behind me. So I had to do some major maneuvering to get turned around. I was fucking proud of myself. My maneuvering abilities have much improved since I got my license. :)
Anyway, I drove back home and decided to go sit at the park. I had this huge urge to go look at the river. I've just discovered the beauty in nature. I mean, I always thought nature was pretty but since I've gotten into taking pictures I think nature is gorgeous. The river, despite it's pollution, is beautiful. Trees are so nice and green and invidualistic. It's great to just sit there and do nothing. I layed on the bench and stared at the sky, stared at the river.
In a way I wish someone was there with me. Just so I can ramble on about everything swimming in my head. I wish he wasn't so busy. I wish I could call him up and be like "Wanna go watch the river and talk with me?" and he'd agree and we would. That one night we did that was great. I never had so much fun doing absolutely nothing. I wish he liked me more. Oh, do I wish he liked me more.
Maybe I'll go back driving tonight. I'd like to get Lyndsey to ride with me. I'd like to go to Marietta and park at the fountain and walk to the park where Cody and I went and watch the river for awhile. I really want to show her the tunnel with all the graffitti.
Hrm. I really do want my hair dyed though. It would be good to do it tonight since mother isn't here.
Well...we'll see what happens.
I still want alcohol.
Posted by Nikalyn at 06:05 PM | Comments (2)
July 16, 2004
God, I'm so depressed.
God, I'm so depressed.
So much for ideas. So much for pretending.
Posted by Nikalyn at 08:08 PM | Comments (0)
So...I imagine my ass isn't
So...I imagine my ass isn't going anywhere.
I think he's ignoring me?
He's came on like three days in a row and hasn't talked to me.
I'm saddened.
And um, where did my commenters go? :-/
Posted by Nikalyn at 05:01 PM | Comments (1)
On our own
Starting tomorrow my mother will be out of town until sunday afternoon/night. This leaves me with the urge that I should be doing something naughty such as throwing a party or having wild crazy sex or perhaps indulging in alcoholicy beverages. I'm certain these things will not occur. But I do feel the need to at least leave the house and stay out all night. I've been wanting to ask Cody if was doing anything this weekend and if he wanted to hang out one night. Or if he is doing something if I could tag along. Actually I still really want to go picture taking with him but that would have to be done in the daytime and that wouldn't make me feel like a rebel as I'm always allowed out during the day. Blah. You know what I mean...right?
So yeah, I've been trying to ask him but he never stays online very long. Haven't caught him lately.
I just SO don't want to hang around the house this weekend when there's fun to be had!
Oh but I'm sure I'll just end up here like always. Blah. I'm mucho restless.
Okay so onto an actual entry type thing...
Wednesday Lyndsey and I went to a fair. It was fun. We rode the rides. Like twice each. It was interesting as I've never actually ridden rides at a fair before. I took pictures but sad to say I'm not that fond of any of them. I mean, other people may like them...they just were a disappointment to myself as I know I could do them better. They just looked so good on the damn cam viewer. :-/ I'll post the deviantart link later once I uploaded them all.
The last couple weeks sleep has been a horrible thing for me. I'm a fucking insomniac really. I mean, I'm tired as hell but can't sleep because my head keeps me up or I just can't seem to get comfortable. Nothing has seemed to help. The last few nights I've only got like 5 hours of sleep and it's killing me. I mostly just toss and turn and whine to myself about the fact that I'm still up at 6:30 in the morning. It's horrible. I want sleep. A want a good night's sleep. It seriously needs to come.
I keep having good ideas for poems and other artistic ditties to compose...but since I think them up in bed while I'm tossing and turning I forget them in the morning. I could bring my journaly book down there in my room to jot notes down but there's no light in my room. Well, no night lights...I have one but the light whirls around the room. That's a bit...annoying. I need Bubba and his flashlight. Where are you when I need you son?! *cries* His battery died. Poor bear. If I could find the flashlight that actually works I'd take it in there. But who freaking knows where anything is in this house.
Oh. There's also a ghost in my room. A ghost cat who tries to scare Loki. She's been acting crazy go nuts the past two nights...Meowing crazily and staring into the mirror at herself. I have no idea what's up with that damn cat...I do wish she'd shut up so I could sleep though.
I want to go to the library and get books. I can't seem to wake up early enough. Yes, I do sleep late. That's because when I finally do get to sleep it's already 7 in the damn morning. Ugh. This shit sucks...Anyway, I want books I think.
Well...I think I'm going to go look for the flashlight and then "go to bed."
Posted by Nikalyn at 05:09 AM | Comments (2)
July 13, 2004
Le sigh
I wrote a letter to my family said it's not your fault
And you've been good to me
Just lately I've been feeling like I don't belong
Like the ground is not mine to walk upon
And I've heard that music echo through the house
Where my grandmother drank by herself
And I sat watching a flower as it was withering
I was embarrased by it's honesty
So I'd prefer to be remembered as a smiling face
Not this fucking wreck that's taken it's place
So please forgive what I have done
But you can't stay mad at the setting sun
Cause we all get tired
I mean eventually there's nothing left to do but sleep
That's good stuff...
Posted by Nikalyn at 06:39 PM | Comments (0)
July 12, 2004
Loss of Space
Finishing up the downloading of the third season of 6 feet under. After these episodes I will have seen the entire series so far. I feel good about this as its my favorite show now and I came into it during the 4th season.
However, since the lovely folks with bit torrent don't have individual episodes to download I'm stuck here downloading the whole season. How sad it is on my harddrive. I'm currently at 3.22 GB out of 16. How sad! I mean...I'm sure I'll still be able to function alright...but it makes me a bit on the paranoid/weepy side to see it get this low. I usually have it around 9 all the time.
So...I am really thinking about burning some stuff to cds. Although I have a feeling this will take up several cds. :/
Oh well...it will go back up once I watch and later delete these episodes I suppose. Although, some cleaning out probably would be beneficial.
I went to bed at 3:30 this morning with the knowledge that Lyndsey and I were getting up at 9 to go out to breakfast since we never get up early enough for it. Of course my stupid insomniac self couldn't fall asleep until after 5. So...I had about 4 hours of sleep last night and I am TIRED. I took a nap in my mom's bed earlier today. For like an hour. I woke to find Loki asleep between my legs and Grey cat curled up on my chest asleep and noticing my awaken state started to lick my nose. Weird cats...
Going at a rate of 123 kbs you'd think this dumb download would be done by now. But no. It's not.
I'm sure there was more important stuff to say...I'm just sleepy and rambly and not making any sense....Haha I just typed snes instead of sense. God! Sleep deprived!
I have to get up at 8 something in the morning to "watch" my niece that I dislike so immensely. So...not only am I megaly sleep deprived here and am only adding to it by watching her...I'll be annoyed/irritated/pissed off at her incessant talking and whining. Why can't she just watch tv for 5 hours like normal kids?
Neopets is down again.
I hate my fucking life.
Posted by Nikalyn at 05:10 PM | Comments (0)
July 11, 2004
Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end
I wish I wasn' t me. I wish I was someone else. Someone better. Someone a bit like you.
You're perfect.
In the process of cleaning up my computer and going through old files I found old blog posts. Not mine...his. They make me even more sad than I already was today.
Plus Cody had a day just as crappy as mine. :( Makes me even sadder.
And once again, I'm sorry Lyndsey if I'm acting like a bad friend lately. I think I'm way too much into my own head to notice how I'm treating others. I'm very happy for you. And Will. And I can't wait to meet him. I'm glad that he makes you happy. I'm sorry I never seem happy for you. But I am. I'm a pretty crappy friend eh? *lick* I love you Lynz.
But...Ugh. I feel like absolute crap. Why do I constantly do this? Why did I have to find these? UGH. Fuck me!
I really do need that hug. I cuddled Loki for awhile but she ran away. :(
Posted by Nikalyn at 11:49 PM | Comments (1)
July 10, 2004
It's storming. And you are
It's storming. And you are a faggot.
Haha. Fredryk. So funny.
Posted by Nikalyn at 05:29 PM | Comments (1)
July 09, 2004
DAMN YOU NEOPETS! DAMN YOU
DAMN YOU NEOPETS! DAMN YOU AND THAT CUTE IXI WHO RUNS SHAPESHIFTER! DAMN CELLBLOCK FOR NOT GIVING ME THE FUCKING AVATAR YET! DAMN WHACK A KASS FOR MAKING IT SO HARD TO HIT ABOVE 400! DAMN GREY PAINTBRUSHES FOR BEING SO DAMN EXPENSIVE! DAMN THOSE CAVEMEN FOR NOT LETTING ME GET ABOVE 10 RIGHT ANSWERS LET ALONE 15!!! DAMN THAT BERRY PICKER GUY FOR MAKING ME PICK POO INSTEAD OF BERRIES! DAMN NEOPETS! DAMN YOU TO HELL!
Posted by Nikalyn at 03:58 PM | Comments (6)
July 08, 2004
Dreams...
I had dreams about both Chris Carrabba and AJ McLean of the BSB. And yes, I admit I still am in love with Mr. Bad boy AJ. He's fucking hot.
Anyway, I'm sure these dreams were a result of me being so lonely last night because they were filled with lovely images that will never come true. No, their celebrity status isn't the reason they won't come true, it's the fact that I'm me and I am how I am. Worthless.
But they were good dreams none the less. Everyone hated AJ's girlfriend and they were getting married the next day. Everyone's goal was to get AJ to realize his feelings for me before the wedding so they wouldn't have to put up with the evil girl.
The Chris Carrabba one included him doing yardwork in my backyard. Shirtless. He liked to just come over and hang with me. And make out. For some reason I kept forgetting to take a picture of him in my dreams. Wow. He was pretty. I really think he's the most gorgeous man alive...
I'm in a huge Dashboard mood. And no surprisingly a tiny BSB one...
Mmmm...AJy
Posted by Nikalyn at 06:47 PM | Comments (0)
I'm not sure how this started...
I'm thinking of you tonight. And quite frankly it's depressing the fuck out of me.
I miss you. And I still think about you. All the time.
I wish you thought about me. At all.
It's a bit unfair that after so long I'm still stupidly intrigued by you.
I constantly check up on you. When you're sad I feel bad. I wish I could change that. When you go "missing" I wonder how you are and why you did so.
I don't know. I tried to find some quote or lyric or verse to explain how I feel but I came up empty.
I suppose...I just want you to know I think about you a lot. And I'm still here. And I still...feel for you in some way.
I wish we could talk again...maybe. Just to catch up...I have a lot I could tell you.
It's terribly frightening to think that after all this time I still...*sigh*
I hope you're well. And happy.
Memories haunt me.
Posted by Nikalyn at 04:52 AM | Comments (0)
July 07, 2004
Lame
http://community.webshots.com/user/n1kalyn
That has been what I was working on the past two days. I thought it was funny. Me in rapper gear. Homosexual ducks. Pure humour?
In retrospect I suppose it's pretty lame.
P.S. I'm also ugly. :/
Posted by Nikalyn at 01:13 AM | Comments (5)
July 04, 2004
Fuck you bitches for not
Fuck you bitches for not commenting. Not Lyndsey. She's the only one who cares.
ANYHOO.
I'm the funniest fucking person in the world mother fucking world.
More to come on your 5 o clock news hour. Haha. I almost typed cock.
I have some photoshopping to do.
Posted by Nikalyn at 11:34 PM | Comments (9)
New Layouuuut!
Here it is! Finally! I finally figured out a way to make the side logos look good. Or...better. I'm still not 100 percent happy with them but they look darn snazzy!
Do you like the main image and it's fadey counterpart? It's soooo important that people like it! Why? Because it's made up entirely of my own personal photography. :) The lips are mine. The trees are mine. The shoreline is mine. I took each picture! Then Foofy made it all blue for me. :D But I'm so happy that my pictures are being used in an artistic manner. I really hope everyone likes it!
Still working on little things. Updating links and minor changes like that. I'm also planning on redoing the picture page of me so I'll be working on that as well.
So...if you're seeing the new layout right now leave me tons o comments about how you like it!
PLEASE?! I'm such a compliment hound!
UPDATE: PICTURE PAGE ALMOST COMPLETED. GO LOOK! THE RANDOM PAGE IS MUCHO FUNNY.
Posted by Nikalyn at 03:33 PM | Comments (8)
I had a dream where
I had a dream where penguins invaded Germany. I'm sure it stemmed from that dead jew picture. 0_0
Doing the layout today. Considering I have no holiday plans.
Posted by Nikalyn at 01:11 PM | Comments (0)
I'm sorry I'm such a
I'm sorry I'm such a inconvenience.
I don't like feeling this way. Like I have to go to bed when you guys talk on the phone. Like I'm pissing you guys off because I'm still up. Like you're sitting there waiting for me to go to sleep...Like I'm being an inconvenience...
Uncomfortable here. And sad.
:-/
Sorry to bring it up. Just how I've been feeling. :(
Well...I suppose I'll go do that then...make people happy.
Posted by Nikalyn at 04:41 AM | Comments (1)
July 03, 2004
Too much clutter
I have determined that I don't like my bed anymore. At one point in time I felt it was the most comfy bed in the world. Waking up from a 5 hour sleep at 6 am to go to high school every morning for 4 years made me yearn to pull the covers back over my head and sink into sleep. But now my mattress and myself are not getting along. I attempt to go to sleep but sleep doesn't happen. I toss and turn for hours but see no results. Blankets are uncomfortable. If they're on me I get hot and I can't stand them touching me. If they're off I get cold. It's a never ending battle. My pillows are either too hard or too soft. My mattress is no longer the comfy item of my youth and I miss it. Come back, comfy dreamland!
And because of this I then face the problem that always plagues my sleeping process: thinking. My head fills up with way too much clutter. I think about everything and anything. I used to believe this was why I wanted to be a writer. I think about things far too much. Overthink them really. And it goes farther than that. I dream things. Not real dreaming since obviously my ass is still wide awake...but yes, dream. I make up millions of situations in my head. In great details I imagine how the day's going to go tomorrow, how the "date" I have is going to progress, how I will do at school that day. It's like a fucking soap opera in my head! Filled with elaborate storylines and plot. The stories I could tell you...fuck! This is why I thought I was meant to be a writer. Because I'm always telling stories to myself, always manipulating the situation in my head to work out in my favor. In my head I'm this tragic hero who goes through all these journeys and hero's quests, if you will, but always comes out victorious. I win the battle. I slay the dragon. I win the damsel...what's the male word for damsel? Hrm...you get the point.
The sad thing about these dreams, aside from the fact that they keep me away from sleep, is the fact that I set myself up for the largest falls ever. Because I made up these elaborate stories in my head I seem to expect them to actually work out in a way similar to them. They never do...of course. I lose the battle. Get eaten by the dragon. The damsel saves himself and leaves me standing with my heart wide open.
*sighs*
I really wish I would stop doing this to myself. Stop thinking! It's bad for you! Of course I don't mean that. But my visions of grandeur are making things difficult for me in the real world.
I suppose if one day I stopped thinking the way I do I'd be worried that I was dead...
I just want for once in my life something to work out similar to the way I dream them to work. Or at least for the dreams to let me sleep once in awhile.
Hrm. I may just need a new mattress.
Posted by Nikalyn at 01:31 PM | Comments (1)
July 02, 2004
Right...
So...
Layout.
I'm trying. But the section logo's are very muchly pissing me the hell off.
Last night...or...whenever I did this last...I came up with this nice sample section logo. It would go where the Truth Beneath Skin one is now.
Much smaller of course...
Nice? Yes. I like it too. But It's just not...blue enough. My header graphics are VERY blue. My page is going to be black and blue and white. I want the logo things to be very blue. And that...isn't blue enough.
Looking at other font types I cannot find one that matches the Edwardian font that is going to be in the header graphic. No font that I'm finding for the logo's is cursively enough.
I'm annoyed!
Maybe I can con Lyndsey into making my logo's for me. She's a lot more creative with them than I am. Blah.
By the way, I have a great little neopet story to tell. I suppose it can wait until the next entry. God, I'm lame.
I really want to get layout done tonight. I doubt this will happen.
*hangs self*
God, I've been doing this too long.
Everytime I scroll through the fonts to this FF 8 music they appear to be dancing...
0_0
Posted by Nikalyn at 08:38 PM | Comments (0)
I'll do it tomorrow... I
I'll do it tomorrow...
I promise.
Maybe.
I look hot as a pixelated rpg character. :D
Posted by Nikalyn at 03:14 AM | Comments (2)
July 01, 2004
1000 items
So...for lack of anything else to do and because I like setting goals for myself, I've decided to take part in neopet's packrat avatar quest. 1000 items in the safety deposit box and boom! You've got the avatar! I'm currently at 230. I'm taking a break because...well, it gets a bit tiring. lol. I'm doubting I should have any trouble with it. We'll see...
I said I was going to do the layout tonight. But it seems like effort now. Blah.
Posted by Nikalyn at 07:23 PM | Comments (0)
Fucking kill me. Please?
Fucking kill me. Please?
Posted by Nikalyn at 02:38 AM | Comments (3)