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December 31, 2003
Jet Black New Year
Brought to you by: "Jet Black New Year" - Thursday
I guess I shouldn't be counting down yet...but you get the idea. ;)
10 seconds left until midnight
9 chances to drown ourselfs in black hair dye
8 faces turned away from the shock
7 windows and
6 of them are locked
5 stories falling
4 ever and ever
3 cheers for the mirror now of the
2 of us, can we have
1 last dance?
Posted by Nikalyn at 06:42 PM | Comments (2)
I hope you're as happy as you're pretending
New Year's Eve. Whoo.
Can you feel my excitement? Of course you can't. It's not there.
I've never had a fondness for this holiday. Usually because I was left alone on it when I was little. My parents and brothers went out partying while I sat at home. I would watch the traditional ball dropping in Times Square on tv in my room alone. I would end up crying. All the people on tv looked so damn happy and they had people. They weren't alone like I was. It made me awfully depressed.
So...you can see why I'm not fond of it. When it gets legal I'll probably be one of the folks who drink the night away searching for some kind of entertainment.
Hey, even if I had a way to be that person without being legal, I'd take it.
Unfortunately I don't.
Oh well.
After I get done with my daily activities online I'll go take a shower, do my cleaning, go take some pictures, and then dress myself up so at least I feel beautiful.
I need some good black nail polish. This one chips too easy.
I can't wait until Febuary when I get another refund check from the college. Well, hopefully I get one. Not sure how those work. I told myself I would only buy one big gift for myself out of the checks. Last time I bought my Rusty hoodie. This time it's definately going towards DC stuff. I narrowed it down to three things I want:
DC hoodie
Baseball DC shirt. I love those kinds of shirts.
Mega cool poster
I'm hoping I'll get something DC for my birthday but I imagine not. My family doesn't know about it. LoL. So maybe if I get money I'll buy me something. If not I'm using my refund money to at least by the hoodie.
I'll write again later. I have a New Year's Eve idea. But have a nice one. Go party and drink and think of me sitting here bored.
Blah.
Loki's meowing is pissing me off. Shush cat! She just laid on my lap for 3 hours without a peep. Now she's doing it again!
Posted by Nikalyn at 03:10 PM | Comments (1)
December 30, 2003
I have Sars
Okay, I don't. But I sure wish I'd stop coughing.
Went to the mall yesterday and we used our gift cards. I bought my penguin shirt after Lynz gave me 6 dollars. It's a little tight. Even though it's the biggest size. Stupid small skater girls! But it's alright. Cause I'm gonna wear it anyway and then one day I'll lose enough weight for it to look perfectly. Wow. I feel sorry for myself all of a sudden.
We bought bras as well. But for some reason they're not working for us. Mine seem to be the right size just the shoulder string things aren't long enough. I'm gonna have to play with it to see if I can make it bigger.
Ooops. Sorry. Girly subjects.
I got a certificate in the mail from the uni because I got all A's first quarter. I feel special. They never did that in high school. Crazy. I'll have to head up there Friday to get my books. School starts again Monday. *cries*
So...what are you getting me for my birthday? *grins* *coughs* January 8th *coughs*
Posted by Nikalyn at 02:25 PM | Comments (1)
December 28, 2003
Yo. How are things?
Yo. How are things?
Posted by Nikalyn at 07:58 PM | Comments (3)
December 26, 2003
Digitally Dreaming
I love my new cam! It might not be the best model but it's great. I'm having so much fun with it!! Look at my first digital beauty!
I'm in so much love with it. Loki looks so beautiful!
That's my baby!
Posted by Nikalyn at 07:57 PM | Comments (3)
And I knew, that you meant it
I couldn't really think of a title. I wanted a happy song lyric. Apparently, my music doesn't have a lot of those. Imagine that.
Christmas was nice. Probably one of the best I've had.
My kitty girl and my rustic boy both got their presents on time for Christmas. Odd that Sarah's got there so late but I'm glad it came. They both seem to really enjoy it so I'm happy.
Wednesday was spent cleaning the house for Christmas. Lots of no fun there. Then we went to Gran's house for our annual family get together. Gran bought me a really cool blue sweater type shirt. I had to act surprised...I was there when she bought it. We had to leave early because both mom and Lynz had to go to work. I went with them (because they made me) and learned how to push the button on the cash register to allow the nice folks to get gas.
Thursday I got up around 10:30 to the smell of cooking pig carcass. Mom made breakfast for us while we waited for my brother and nephew to come over. We gathered around the tree sans my niece (she didn't come over until 3) and opened our lovely presents.
I got the following:
*penguins (4 of them including a lovely electric bruce...if you know what this means, good on you!)
*Both extended versions of Lord of the Rings (The Fellowship and Two Towers - A lovely Lynz present)
*Penguin pjs!!
*The first four Harry Potter books (Now I have all five of them - another lovely Lynz present)
*Lord of the Rings monopoly (Oddly enough, my set has two Gandalfs and no Galdriel figure. I could take it back...but I want to be an individual)
*3 cds (My favorite BT album that I only had a cdr of, some lovely celtic tunes, and the last Dashboard cd, Summer's kiss ep, I needed to complete the collection...well besides the drowning ep. But those are hard to get.)
*A Hamtaro bank (Very cute! Yes, we like animated hamsters and no, it wasn't Hamtaro I think his name is Panda? I'm gonna have to check)
*A dragon statue
*Socks
*Perfume (The kind my mom has that smells like gummy bears)
*A gift certificate for the mall (Yes, you know I'm going to buy penguin stuff with it...was going to buy the shirt but it was $26 and the card is only for $20)
*My digital camera (I'm so darn excited about it. Now you'll be bombarded with my pictures, yay!)
Mega thanks to Lynz for her great gifts! And for all your guy's holiday cheer.
Gonna go hook up my camera now.
Posted by Nikalyn at 02:15 PM | Comments (2)
December 24, 2003
Meow
Grey cat is back in the house. At the moment he apparently doesn't need an operation. We have to keep a watch on him though to make sure he doesn't get the problem back again.
He's been moping around the house. Last night he spent the majority of the time laying in front of the toilet in the bathroom. I petted him lots and then went to the other bathroom, I didn't want to move him.
Now he's been spending time in the kitchen laying in front of the fridge. Hopefully, he's just being grumpy because he had to have his manly tubes scraped. He needs to be happy! Tomorrow is Christmas time. Which in cat terms: lots of paper to play with!
My grey kitty is home for Christmas! Yay! Thanks for your guys' nice words and such. :) I'll give him an extra pet on the head for you.
The Christmas time has arrived. A little sad that my gifts haven't been delivered yet. Hopefully, they're just held up. :/ Lynz got her last gift to me in the mail today after like a month of waiting. She seems happy. :)
I have to pop over to gran's house tonight for our annual Christmas thing. I'm not expecting a lot of people though. No one seems to be home this season. A little disappointing. But oh well, I dislike most of my relatives anyway. Not sure when we're opening our presents here at home. The time has been changed. Since we don't get my niece until 3 in the afternoon tomorrow and Lynz and myself have to attend her family's Christmas party tomorrow at 3. It puts a strain in present opening.
Not sure if I'll get a chance to blog again before Christmas so...if I don't. Happy Christmas everyone! Hope you get lots of good presents! ;)
Posted by Nikalyn at 12:52 PM | Comments (2)
December 22, 2003
Grey Cat Blues
A few years back my grey cat, Tyler, had an operation on his urinary tract. I never really understood what the problem was, something about it not being straight or something and it got clogged, causing grey cat to have problems relieving himself.
This problem resulted in a trip to an animal emergency room, two operations, and special 10 dollar a bag cat food. Adding up to about $600 in fees and the need to waste 10 bucks every 4 weeks on cat food.
His last operation was about 5 years ago. They said he'd be alright and wouldn't have any problems as long as he ate his special cat food and no one fed him any scraps.
Yesterday we noticed him hiding under my mother's bed and would not come out. Not even for food. Being the adorably plump kitty he is, this pointed to a problem. My brother took him to the vet today and lo and behold they said the problem was back.
Major blockage of his kitty urinary tract. Lovely stuff.
Both my brother and my mother don't have the money for new operations so the notion of putting grey cat to sleep has arose many times. None of us want to do it but it's so much money and we barely get by as it is.
My mother called the vet today from her work while I was there, to check on him. The vet said that they had seemed to get the problem fixed without an operation. My mother told me that they scraped his tubes...it made me physically cringe.
We have to call back tomorrow to see if he's blocked anymore and to see if he has to have surgery. If he has to have another operation we'll probably have to put him to sleep. :(
Wonder if he'll even be home for Christmas...
All I want for Christmas is my Grey Cat.
I was asked when I will talk about my Lord of the Rings experience. Well besides this bit, I probably won't. There was nothing different about it. There was no real line although we showed up early and were the first ones in the theater. There was no clapping or cheering. I felt sad but shed no tears.
I really think I've grown numb. I remember I used to cry at movies and even cheesy talk shows. Now I don't. I know I should cry and even feel a tingle...but it doesn't come.
I enjoyed seeing Elijah's chest. I was turned on throughout the movie.
They left a lot out. But still a great movie. I loved it. Once again it shows why it's my favorite movie/book.
Posted by Nikalyn at 08:17 PM | Comments (3)
December 21, 2003
I love a man with rough hands
It has been said before that Nikalyn is a bit of a reality show freak. Yes, this is a true fact. However, no good reality shows are on nowadays. Those dating shows are absolutely horrible and I was never a fan of Survivor. So how do I get my fix you ask? Easy! Home fixing up shows!
I'm a big fan of the T-L-C channel. Watch it all the time. Big fan of "While you were out" and "Clean Sweep". "Trading Spaces" isn't that bad however I hate the host and I find the English version, "Changing Rooms" is the BEST and BETTER show...of course, they're English.
What's the appeal you ask? Many things really. But like the honest woman I am I'm going to tell it to you straight. One of the main reasons is the carpenters.
Give me a man who puts in a hard day's labor fully equipped with a tool belt and quick wit and I'm sold. Add this to a pretty face, a nice body, and an english accent? Yum!
Meet the carpenters: (Clicky the name for pics)
1 - Andrew Dan-Jumbo A.K.A Nikalyn's Sexay Man
My favorite of all the carpenters. My reason for sitting in front of the tv for hours drooling. He's the main carpenter on "While you were out" and believe me when they have the other male carpenter Nik gets mad. Andrew is my man. He's hilarious and of course is mega talented. He has the best collection of shirts known to man ANNNNNND he has a sexy English accent. 0_0 I luff him. He might have to have my love child.
(I have a sexy no shirt picture of him that's to die for...X_X )
2- Eric Stromer A.K.A Lyndsey's Blonde Hottie
The carpenter on "Clean Sweep." Our newly found obsession show in which we are quickly seeing every episode. He is a singer, an actor, carpenter to the stars...he worked on Elijah's house! Much love to him on that one. ;) He's extremely funny and as shown, very talented. He's missing the accent but we look past that. ;) He's Lynz's though, don't touch!
The "Trading Spaces" man hunk carpenter. A favorite of TLC watchers everywhere, this is the guy that most woman obsess over. He's very cute I agree however, his personality seems to wear on me after watching an episode. He's too excitable? Too giddy? Too friendly? Not sure what it is. No accent here...actually his voice can be a little annoying sometimes. He's always good for a laugh though and has made some great pieces. He used to be a model...yeah, I can see that. 0_0
"Trading Spaces: Family" 's carpenter. I hate that show. I can't stand watching kids do house stuff...or really kids doing anything...but that's beyond the point! I haven't seen a lot of his work being he's fairly new and I don't like that show. But he's very cute. I've always been fond of the name Carter...anyway! He's a pretty boy. Very yummy.
5- Andy Kane
The cute carpenter from England's "Changing Rooms." My first carpenter love. I'm pretty sure it was the accent keeping me there. But he's just dorable. I really do need to start watching it again...I miss him. Very cute. Very handy. Very English.
Boy, I sure do wish one of them would come fix something in my house...
Posted by Nikalyn at 12:20 PM | Comments (4)
December 20, 2003
Firstly I want to say
Firstly I want to say "I'm sorry." I'll go into more later but I just wanted to say that straight off.
Yes, I did notice you cleaned some before I came down there. I think I acknowledged that in the last entry but if not then I am now. I understand you don't like cleaning when people are around and I guess I have been around for the last month or so, I guess you don't get the opportunity to clean. You could always say, "Hey, get the hell out of the room so I can clean" if you want. I didn't know you HATED when people touched your stuff so I guess I won't anymore. All I tend to do is put your clothes to one side of the room or straighten up your dresser. But if that is annoying to you then I'll stop.
I never said that you working was your excuse....or that you used it to get out of doing things. That was my own personal reason for not asking you to do anything. I didn't want you to work more. Especially after you put in a hard days work. I feel bad just blurting out "Hey, clean this!" But I will try to be more open if I want you to do something. I will ask you to do it nicely.
I think one of our problems is our backgrounds clashing. You come from a home with a close family. Even though you and Joni didn't get along you were close in a sense. Your family is more open. They talk about things. They say "Thank you" and "Please" and all those magic words. They say "I love you". They get all excited along with you if something good happens. You're used to that. And that's the way things should be. However, life here is different. We don't do that. I mean, sometimes yes, we say it but it isn't natural to us that way. We're an impersonal family. Hell, we only see each other like once a year. I have acknowledged the problem. I always say that I wish someone would ask me what's wrong. That we could share problems. That I was allowed to cry once in awhile. I have been trying to change this. But the problem is I'm so trained to be impersonal that I don't think about it. I appreciate all the things you do, the meals you make, the gifts you buy, etc but I just don't say it. I'm trained not to. Like I said, I've been slowly trying to change though. I say "I love you" after phone calls with you. And I've been trying to remember to say "thank you" "please" etc. I told you last night that your pizza was good. See? I'm trying.
Mom however is set in that way. She's too grown up to realize it or want to change. She doesn't hate you. This is just how she is. It's easier to be distant and impersonal than to show affection ya know? It was that way with her mom as well. Once, I heard her say that she can't remember the last time her mom said she loved her or that she's proud of her. This impersonal behavior that this family has lived hurts even her at times. This is one of the reasons I try to be really close with Mom. Cause I try to let her know how much I love her and appreciate it without words. But I think she acts distant to you because you're taking away time that she and I shared. I think she's jealous in her own way. But she doesn't hate you. It's just a combo of that and a job that she usually hates. Just try not to put too much into it. She likes you a lot. I know it.
Jealously runs through our family. I am an extremely jealous person. I know this. I spend a lot of my time trying to fight back jealous thoughts in my head. I'm sorry if I seem to be mad at you a lot. I'm hardly ever mad at you. I just seem distant. I think I'm scared that I'm going to be left alone. I know you say that you're alone but you're not! You actually talk to more people than I do on here. You have actual conversations while mine are usually on forums and comments. The only people who im me anymore are Brad and Foofy. And lately Foofy hasn't even been talking to me. But I get distant because you have friends in real life! I don't. You have friends who want to hang out with you and take you places. Sara only calls me to see if you want to go clubbing with her. I'm just sad because it reminds me of how pathetic I am. How I don't have any actual real life friends. How I'll probably NEVER have a boyfriend or let alone anyone who likes me. How the one person who I actually was in love with (and sometimes still think I am) never even loved me...And it makes me even sadder because I know it's all my fault for making myself like this.
I was excited for TJ. It might not have shown but I was. You know why? Because it made you happy. It made you realize that someone did think you were pretty (besides myself) and that it was possible for guys to like you. It confirmed everything I kept trying to bang in your head. I wanted/want things to work out. I want you to realize how great you are and if it means by having a guy like you then so be it. I didn't act excited because once again I'm impersonal. I don't actually know how to react when people are excited about things like that. I didn't know what I was supposed to say. Once again, I was happy for you but I was sad for me. And I tried my hardest to hide how I was feeling and be happy for you. But I guess it didn't work. I'm sorry. I was just sad because I hate everything about myself and I just know that I'm gonna be alone. I took that out on you and I was wrong. But don't feel like you can't talk to me about him. I like hearing it. Don't worry, I won't act irritated. Feel free to tell me about him. I need to be filled in on details anyway! :P
And no! You are not a burden! I'm not reluctant to take you to work. I'm just lazy! LoL. You should know this by now. If I groan or something when you ask it's just because I have to get my lazy ass up and get dressed or something. I don't mind taking you places. I like driving! I've waited years to drive and now I like doing it. That's why I run all those errands. If I do things like that just fucking ignore me or tell me to shut the hell up. I'm usually just doing it for myself in a playful manner, it's not directed at you at all. I'm just a lazy ass! So don't worry about that anymore.
It's true I do call you room mate sometimes. But it's not meant to downplay your role as my friend or be impersonal at all! It's just how they know you. It's easier to say my room mate than Lynz because they don't know you. I don't say it to Foofy or anyone else. It's just to people in passing. There's nothing hiding behind it. I don't mean it in any disrespectful manner at all! I'm sorry if it seemed like that. But in most cases I just said it on the forums...so I'm not sure where you saw it at? If you've been reading the livejournal then yes you will probably see some instances of that but like I said, it's just in passing. And it's just because they don't know you. It's just easier to say my room mate than Lyndsey and they all wonder who that is. It's no way there to downplay your importance! I love you! You're my best friend. Don't read so much into the things I do. I'm fucking stupid you know. Book smarts is all I have. I can spew out the things that they tell me but I have no real world intelligence. But I'm sorry if I offended you...I won't refer to you that way anymore if it bothers you. I don't hide things from you either. Usually my livejournal (i'm assuming that's what you refer to) is a copy of what I write on here. Because I have people who read it that don't go to my site. But I have been known to write things in there that I don't write here. It's was usually things about Jeremy. LoL. But I'm not hiding things from you. It's usually just things that I don't want to cause a problem with. Just a way of dealing with something. There's nothing bad there about you. I end up confronting you about them anyway. I usually just phrase things differently on there or something.
But all in all, don't read so much in to things. I'm stupid and I don't think about some things before I do them. I usually have no idea what I say means so much to you. If I say something or do something that pisses you off just tell me to stop it. I usually do not know I'm doing it. Just like I didn't know these things were hurtful towards you.
Oh and like I said, I don't care if you use the computer. If I'm not on it feel free. I don't mind at all. I was just showing you that I felt a little alone if you're on it all the time.
I love you and I know you've been very depressed and alone lately. I've been trying to make it better but it seems I caused a lot of it just as much as I've been helping. But I'm sorry for all the stupid things I've done. I will try to say "Please" and "Thank you" and compliment you more. I will put all my dumb feelings aside and be happy for you when you talk about TJ or going out with someone. I will refer to you as my best friend instead of my room mate. I will be upfront and clear with my problems if any arise.
I'm sorry for being stupid and for doing dumb things and for making you feel like a burden. I love you. You're not a burden at all. I am very lucky to have you in my life and I love living with you. :D
Posted by Nikalyn at 12:22 PM | Comments (0)
December 19, 2003
Airing it out
Foofy says you're pissed at me. He says something such as, "taking you for granted." I don't take you for granted. If by this you mean with money and paying for things then let me say that you DON'T have to buy me anything. I never ask you to pay for anything. If I see something that I might like to have in the future you pick it up and buy it for me. I've told you that I didn't want you to buy it for me. That I didn't need it. But most times you do it anyway. I've said "Thank You" for things lots of times. But mostly I feel that you should just know I'm grateful. Because I am. But like I said, you never had to buy any of those things and if you felt that you were going unappreciated buying them for me then you should have just stopped. There was no reason to keep doing it if you were going to have all these pent up feelings up anger towards me for it.
But you know, I'm also feeling very unappreciated myself here. Last night as I'm sure you could tell I was very frustrated with you. I told you when I picked you up from work that my goal was to clean the basement. That's all I was doing that day. You said you were planning on going to sleep. I didn't mind since I knew that you didn't sleep much the night before. But then I had to go take gran shopping, so I felt this would give you a whole 3 or so hours to sleep some. I got back and you were still asleep. I let you sleep more. I took a shower and watched a few hours of tv before you woke up. I started cleaning upstairs because I knew mom would be pissed if I didn't. Then I cleaned downstairs.
You sat and watched me clean. You straightened up some trash and put the figures up (you didn't help take them out of the box) but that's all you did. I never asked you to clean but you could have asked what you could do to help. Put away some of your clothes since I had no idea if they were clean or dirty or organize your books. But instead you sat and watched me clean, or sat on the computer.
You asked me why I was cleaning. One because it was filthy, even you acknowledged that the other day, and because I wanted to clean it. (Sometimes I just get in the mood to clean something) Two, because mom threatened to either kick you out or raise your rent because you weren't keeping it picked up nor helping me clean. And since I don't want you to move out or pay more I cleaned it.
When you lived with your aunt you had to clean everyday. You had a huge list to follow and you complained to me all the time about it. I told myself that when you moved in here I would never make you work that much anymore. And since you've been here we've never asked you to do all the chores like that. However, you should help out some. Yes, I know you work and that you are tired. But that shouldn't be your excuse all the time.
All I'm asking is that you help out more. You know mom gets pissed at me if the trash is high or if the dishes aren't done...so do them sometimes.
I get so frustrated cleaning everything or being expected to by mom when I'm not the only one living here. I would just really like to be helped out.
Also, the issue of the computer should be brought up. You are always on here man. Most of the time I don't mind. I don't have much to do online. But it does get a little disheartening when you would rather spend your time online than to sit here and talk to me. Every night you sit and chat online while I sit and watch the same dumb shows on tv until I get bored and go to bed. Sometimes I go days without checking my email or doing my daily activities on here. I feel like I have to ask for access to my own computer because your away message is always on. The computer hasn't been shut down in months.
Don't feel like you have to stay off it now. No, no. Like I said, I don't mind. Just know that I feel abandoned when you're on there so much. Plus, I get really bored just watching tv. I don't want to make you think that you can't be on it when I'm around. I just want you to try to cut back on it and maybe turn the thing off when you go to bed or something. Maybe this way will allow you to get more sleep as well.
I know you're going to get mad at this. But like I said, I want us to air problems instead of letting them fester. I didn't even know you were mad at me. I had to hear it from Foofy. We should just be upfront with our problems. Which I admit is something that I don't do also. But we should start which is why I'm confronting this.
I love you. I'm sorry that you don't think I appreciate you. I muchly do. I appreciate everything that you buy me and everything you do for me. Do not feel like you need to buy me things anymore if you feel so unappreciated. I don't need anything. Like with the hobbit set Wednesday, some things I want to buy for myself. I like you buying things for me of course, but I don't want you to resent me for having them later. I appreciate everything you've given me. I love each and every one of them. I'm sorry if I didn't say "Thank you" or anything else to you. Just because I didn't say it didn't mean I didn't mean it. I just don't think sometimes...you know how dense I can be at times. But thank you for everything. Thank you for living with me. Thank you for being my friend. Thank you for loving me.
I will try to be more respectful of your feelings and say "thank you" more for the things you give me or do for me. I will attempt to change and comply to your demands when you reply to this and tell me all the things I'm doing wrong. I will not be mad (Not that I was) when you get home so when you read this you can set the mood.
You're my best friend and I love living with you. I just want to make sure it stays that way between us. Don't be mad. Just tell me the things I'm doing wrong and I will stop doing them. This way we can both move on and be happy. Okay?
I love you Lyndsey.
Posted by Nikalyn at 02:00 PM | Comments (1)
December 17, 2003
It's finally here!
Are you excited?
I am!
Going to go get ready now!
The movie isn't till 8:30 though so we won't be home until late.
No talky about the movie until we see it! That's the rule!!
Well, I need to go get ready. Later everyone. :D
Posted by Nikalyn at 01:12 PM | Comments (1)
December 15, 2003
Where for art thou?
I wish my voice would come back. It's getting rather difficult without it.
I sent Christmas presents. He will love me!
I need to take a shower. I haven't for a few days. I was sick, sue me.
I need a new shirt to go with my super cool black pants. Lynz is getting annoyed that I wear her shirts I think. I need a shirt that goes with the pants!
Been trying to get Lord of the Ring tickets from Fandango but it doesn't work. Therefore, we'll probably head to the mall tomorrow to buy advanced tickets. Too darn excited here. *dances* Elijah on SNL got me in the mood. Now I can't stop thinking about Elijah and Orlando and Return of the King goodness!
I'm pretty sure I'm going to marry Elijah. Shush. Let me dream.
I wish I had a cloak. I would wear it to the premiere...
But I don't. So I will settle for my One Ring, my Frodo action figure, and my Tolkien tattoo and be too damn cool.
Posted by Nikalyn at 06:26 PM | Comments (5)
December 14, 2003
Wha? Oh no! She didn't!
Oh but I did!
*laughs evily*
ELIJAH SNL SCREENCAPS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Taken from : here
Posted by Nikalyn at 06:28 PM | Comments (4)
December 13, 2003
I lost my voice. Will you help me find it?
Yes. I've lost my voice. And I don't know where to find it. Don't say behind the couch. I've looked there.
I had a point to this entry when I started. Now. There doesn't seem to be one. I'm sure I'll remember later on...
Posted by Nikalyn at 02:33 PM | Comments (2)
December 12, 2003
I want to slit my
I want to slit my throat.
It couldn't be worse than the pain that already resides there, can it?
Elijah is going to be on SNL Saturday.
And the people rejoiced!
Posted by Nikalyn at 11:23 AM | Comments (2)
December 10, 2003
It's raining!
I went to the mall to pick up my manga that came in Saturday. It's raining hard and it's inconvenient driving in the rain. Everyone says they hate it and then rants about it for hours. But I don't mind it. The only part I mind is the fogging of my windows. Inconvenient.
I bought a Rusty present. I spent all my money on it. I had 17 bucks in my purse and it came to 20.13 therefore I had to search for quarters. I laughed and made up some excuse about wanting to rid my purse of change. I'm not sure she bought it.
My Gran called and asked if I would run her to the hospital tomorrow in Marietta because she has to have blood work done. How can I say no to that? "No, Gran, I can't take you. I'm going to let you get sick." Crazy lady. Then after that she wants to go Christmas shopping. I'm gonna have to bum fuel money off my mom though. It's getting low.
Then! My brother's fiancee/girlfriend lady called and somehow I got suckered in to taking her Christmas shopping Friday. 0_0
I'm too damn nice.
Oh well. I like driving. I like making people happy. Therefore, I will be the neighborhood taxi. Beep beep!
Last night I was hot so I turned my fan up a notch. In the summer it is turned to 2 and it stayed there until last week when it turned really cold. Last week it turned to 1. Last night I got hot so I turned it up to 2 again. Ugh. Big mistake. My throat is KILLING ME. And nothing I do is making it feel better.
I stole my brother's frostee from the freezer in hopes of making it feel better. It didn't.
I've also developed a cough. Everytime I cough it tastes like blood.
I'm drinking insane amounts of water and eating next to nothing today.
Posted by Nikalyn at 05:09 PM | Comments (2)
December 09, 2003
Yeah, I got nothing.
Leave me comments anyway.
My Playlist:
Until the day I die I'll spill my heart for you...
Should I bite my tongue until blood soaks my shirt?
We'll never fall apart. Tell me why this hurts so.
Now we speak with ruined tongues and the words we say aren’t meant for anyone
I know that there's a point I've missed, a shrine or stone I haven't kissed. A scar that never graced my wrist, a mirror that hasn't met my fist.
Does he kiss your eyelids in the morning when you start to raise your head? And does he sing to you incessantly from the place between your bed and wall? Does he walk around all day at school with his feet inside your shoes? Looking down every few steps to pretend he walks with you. Does he know that place below your neck that is your favorite to be touched and does he cry through broken sentences like I love you far too much?
I contemplate the day we wed. Your friends are boring me to death. Your veil is ruined in the rain. But then it's you I can do without. There's nothing new to talk about.
I want a lover I don't have to love. I want a boy who is so drunk he doesn't talk.
Where's the kid with the chemicals? I have a hunger and I can't seem to get full.
I need some meaning I can memorize. The kind I have always seem to slip my mind.
There's music playing but we dance to the beat of our own black hearts and draw diagrams of suicide on each other's wrists then trace them with razorblades.
Your arms in mine. Any time. Wouldn't trade anything. You're still my everything.
With the sound of the ocean crashing, 7:30 friday evening, everything comes tumbling down. I choke back each tear that bleeds. I'd rather rest forever in your arms. I'd rather stay here than go. But I know that I should leave.
I was bored. *shrugs*
Mikal768: cause you know, if you aint down with the toons, you might have to get to steppin ;-)
The Magess: i like cartoons. lol.
Mikal768: goodie
The Magess: and anime. and video games. all that good stuffs
Mikal768: oh my come down to this school now
Mikal768: :-P
The Magess: lol
Mikal768: cute, punky, and likes the good things in life
Mikal768: *sigh*
The Magess: i do. i'm such a catch. not sure why no one hasn't snatched me up yet.
The truth. Why hasn't anyone had their way with me yet? I'm such good girlfriend material!
It's quite sad actually. :/
Posted by Nikalyn at 06:11 PM | Comments (1)
December 08, 2003
It's cold out there
Very cold. I'm all snuggly warm here.
Mom is sick. Maybe I'll get sick. Odd? Yes. Crazy? Of course. I never get sick. Yeah, a little sniffle or two. Faking sick to stay home from school. But never actually catch a cold.
I need to go get Lynz from work in a few. It's so cold out!! I had to take the trash out since mom is sick in bed...BRRRRR.
We got lots of good food from the store today. I'm really craving the vegetables. I hope Lynz opens them. Yummy.
Can you tell I'm not inspired at all in this entry? Just blabbing on?
I need to wrap Lynz's presents and to get the packages for the mail ready. Why do I always get distracted from that? Damn neo world. Tomorrow!
I slept really good last night oddly enough. I had yet another dream about you. Funny how those go hand in hand.
Posted by Nikalyn at 10:30 PM | Comments (2)
December 07, 2003
Dot Hacked
The last Dot Hack game was supposed to come out December 5th. It didn't. Of course. I didn't search like last time though. One, because I knew it wouldn't come out on the day they said it would. And two, because I'm broke.
Well, I just checked to see if it did come out December 5th.
It now comes out January 5th.
Surprised? No.
Maybe a birthday present from someone?
Need to go get my manga sometime this week.
Posted by Nikalyn at 01:00 PM | Comments (1)
Squalled
I had a total Squall moment today. Finally got in to it with Brad. Told him I was sick of hearing his complaining. And all this depression around me was bringing me down hard, he is the main driving force behind that, he always has been.
Squall moment:
The Magess: I'm just tired of everyone being so damn down on themselves about things that aren't even true. I can't carry everyone's burden.
The Magess: 0_0 that was a total squall comment there.
I'm really sick of his shit. Everyday it's a new problem, something new to complain about. In those rare moments when I'm extremely happy he never fails in bringing me down. Lynz knows how much I go through. It's always something.
Snippet of the conversation:
Him: it's safe to say almost no one thinks like me.. so why should I keep thinking the same way then?
The Magess: *shrugs* you think how you want. it just seems you take everything too personal or make something out of nothing. it can never just be a good day with you. there's always something for you to complain about
Him: heh, I'm sorry. I know you don't want to listen to my problems. I don't complain everyday, because you don't talk to me everyday. It's fine though. If it bothers you for me to share how I feel, I won't anymore.
The Magess: I don't talk to you every day because I'm not on everyday. you have to realize that I'm busy with other things not to mention I have a room mate who is on the computer sometimes as well. I don't mind hearing how you feel but how you feel is always depressed about something. I mean, it's overwhelming sometimes.
Him: I understand you aren't here alot, I am also busy alot and have my room mate on my PC. I'm sorry I have been depressed alot lately. I am just so down hearted upon the world. But if it is overwhelming, I won't talk much about it
Yeah right...
I've heard that before.
This went on for about 30 more minutes.
Ugh. Just shut up! Be happy for once in your life! Hug a kitten! Pet a squirrel! Plant a tree! Throw rocks at people from the highway! Anything! Just be happy for one moment and not complain about every little thing that goes wrong in your day. Everyone has bad days, bad moments, but the difference is we don't bombard innocent people with them. We deal with them and move on.
Life is shit. Believe it. Let this firmly stick in your head and think it everyday. Life maybe is shit but not all the people are. Find some happiness and embrace it. Don't be greedy with it however. Happiness comes and goes and sadness is always lurking in the shadows. The point is to not let the sad run your life. Or else you'll be left in the dark, bitter and alone.
Think of the good things. Not all the bad ones. Half the things you're sad about now are not as bad as you're making them out to be.
Cheer up. It could be worse. You could have a the 'thrax.
Posted by Nikalyn at 12:29 PM | Comments (2)
December 06, 2003
Morning Ramblings
My foot's asleep. Really bad. It's killing me. OUCH.
Loki is on my lap attempting to sleep but it's not working well. I keep moving. Poor girl.
Got my first Christmas card this week from Joan and my first gift from Tina. Thankies girls! I luff them both very muchs. My blanket is cuddly warm. And I can't wait to go spend my gift card...although, my dad says it will have to wait until after Christmas.
People need to stop being depressed. And if they are tell me. I feel like I never get told what's wrong anymore. :/ It's hard knowing there's something wrong but not being able to fix it nor talk about it.
Dad told me he's broke until next Friday. This throws a loop in my Christmas sending. So I won't be able to send the gifts until at least next, next Monday. I also need money to buy mommy a birthday gift. Her birthday is the 14th. I already have her a card but I'd like to buy her a little something. Damn this money thing.
I'm enjoying my long break. I've never experienced one of these before. Before we just got two days off for Thanksgiving and then a week or so for Christmas. This break is really nice. Don't go back until January 5th. 0_0
We cleaned last night. It's not done yet. But it looks a lot more organized. Lynz redid the lotr posters so we now have room for at least 4 more posters. Whee! 11 or so more days until Return of the King. Much excitement! :D Can't wait.
Can you send someone something in an Amazon box if it's not from Amazon? Hrm.
Well, I'm gonna go. Yesterday was Bruce day meaning, lots of new stuff in the neo world for me to collect. Later. :)
I love you Lynz. *lick*
Posted by Nikalyn at 12:29 PM | Comments (3)
December 04, 2003
Grades
Not so bad for my first quarter at the uni, eh?
If you don't comment I think I may kill you. 0_0
Posted by Nikalyn at 12:14 PM | Comments (4)
December 03, 2003
Always something there to remind me
This song always reminds me of Rusty for some reason. I think it's because he once wrote an entry about making out with a girl and then her getting into a taxi or something. Ever since then this song reminds me of him.
So since I have nothing to write about...lyrics!
Lover I Don't Have To Love
I picked you out of a crowd and talked to you.
I said, "I like your shoes."
You said, "Thanks can I follow you?"
So it's up the stairs and out of view.
No prying eyes. I poured some wine.
I asked your name. You asked the time.
Now It is 2 o'clock. The club is closed and we're up the block.
Your hands on me. I am pressing hard against your jeans.
Your tounge is in my mouth, trying hard to keep the words from coming out.
You didn't care to know who else may been you before.
I want a lover I don't have to love.
I want a girl that is too sad to give a fuck.
Where's the kid with the chemicals?
I thought he said to meet him here, but I'm not sure.
I got the money if you've got the time.
You said, "It feels good."
I said, "I'll give it a try."
Then my mind went dark.
We both forgot where your car was parked.
Let's take the train. I'll meet up with the band in the morning.
Bad actors with bad habits.
Some sad singers they just play tragic.
Well, the phones ringing and the van is leaving.
Let's just keep touching. Let's just keep singing.
I want a lover I don't have to love.
I want a boy who is so drunk he doesn't talk.
Where's the kid with the chemicals?
I have a hunger and I can't seem to get full.
I need some meaning I can memorize.
The kind I have always seem to slip my mind.
But you write such pretty words.
But life is no storybook.
Love is an excuse to get hurt and to hurt.
"Do you like to hurt?"
"I do. I do."
"Then hurt me."
Posted by Nikalyn at 11:18 PM | Comments (2)
December 01, 2003
Tears You Deny, I Will Cry In Your Place
Rusty's gran died last night at 8:45pm.
I didn't personally know her of course but I knew him. This past year I have become closer to Rusty and he's become one of my best friends. I care for him bunches and bunches.
I've never been sad over deaths...probably because I've only had one person close to me die, my great gran around christmas a few years ago. I'm not sure if I didn't understand death fully or if I just wasn't close enough to my great gran but I didn't cry. When my beloved dog Heidi died,under that bush that she dug under and slept every day, I didn't cry. I was sad, on both accounts, but I didn't cry that much.
So why is it that a lady thousands miles away that I don't even know's death can make me cry like a baby?
I'm not sure you will read this because of everything that's going on but I just want you to know that I'm here for you.
My heart goes out to you.
Posted by Nikalyn at 12:55 PM | Comments (0)