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April 29, 2003
Make It Stop
Will someone PLEASE tell me to stop listening to scary Japanese songs?
Seriously. I've listened to this one song like 20 times. Is that wrong? I have no idea what they're saying. I just bounce around to it like I'm cool. It's not like I'm downloading a bunch of weird japanese songs that I don't know even how to pronounce their names. Tis just one song. One innocent song...and damn it I can't stop listening to it.
Today we had a banquet for the top ten students in my class. And since I'm like number 7 in my class...well I went to it. Since I'm a senior I had to bring a guest. Someone who inspired me and who had helped me throughout my academic career. I took my mommy of course. ;) We had to stand up and give a speech about our guest. I got up, made a speech telling about how great my mom was and I made her cry. I made a grown woman cry. Awwww. I have such a way with words don't I? It made me really happy to be able to tell her how I feel. In our family we just don't do that. We don't say I love you. We don't tell each other our problems. We just...don't talk. I'm hoping to somehow change that down the road. At least get a few more I love you's in there. I liked seeing my mom happy. :)
While we were there I got interviewed twice. I don't know what paper they were from. But the last guy was really hot with nice elf ears and glasses. *grins* Of course I had to talk to that guy. The local news channel was there too so I got my 15 seconds of fame today on the news. Go me.
Okay...you could only see half of my face. WHY? WHY DO YOU BURST MY BUBBLE?!
Hey I just looked it up and they have dot hack songs in english. W00t! Hey I found the words to this song. Too bad I don't speak Japanese. Oh wait, I don't want to speak it...okay. I'm good then. *looks at the lyrics, listens to the music* Err...yeah...doesn't sound like what they are saying. *shakes her fist* Damn Mongolians!!!
Okay, that didn't make sense. But it needed to be said...for some reason. Thank you South Park.
I also filled out some of my graduation invitations and such today. However I didn't do my homework...errr...but I did help push a broken down car today...your call whether or not I was accomplished today.
Okay, need to go find me a baby pic and three friend pics so I can give them to the Jew Shylock tomorrow to put in the Senior slide show.
*pets everyone*
Last night I was thinking to myself: "Why is it just when you think you're over someone and that you don't really find yourself thinking of them often something happens to push them back into your life? Why is that exactly? I mean, with me it's always small things since ya know...he doesn't want anything to do with me. But everytime I think I'm good and I don't think of him often something comes up, someone says something, just something happens and I start thinking again. Fate is an ass.
But this time, something happened and I really didn't care. I looked, pondered for about 5 seconds, said something vulgar, and went on with what I was previously doing.
I think I'm getting better. Hurray!
Posted by Nikalyn at 10:10 PM | Comments (6)
April 28, 2003
Oh no
School starts tomorrow. *frowns* In a way I'm happy to go back. Just because it will give me somewhere to go. But I'm sleepy and I want to sleep. Especially since here I sit at 12:13am and I have to get up at 6. Ack. I had so much shit to do. I had 3 papers to write and a vocab word and math to do. I got it all done except one paper. But that paper is a rough draft so I can pretty much bull shit it and write it during first, second, and third period. After writing one 7 page paper and one 3 page paper I am pretty sick of writing...
Tomorrow I'm gonna add some stuff to my blog. I just had an idea. Nothing drastic. I just want to show off my always cool desktops. ;) Tonight I feel like a little Dot://Sign. ;) Like it? . More with that later.
Sleep...
What is sleep and how come I never get enough?
I heart Tsukasa. He's so cute. *dances*
Hopefully I actually get time tomorrow to play Dot Hack. Doubt it. Damn my busy yet slack like life!!!
*bounces around to cool Dot://Sign music and wonders what the heck the lady is saying* I must look up a translation tomorrow. Darn Japanese. *makes a face* Oh well. It has a cool technoy beat.
Hey Look It's My Name In Japanese!
Okay, it's not. But it is a lady singing in Japanese. Does that count for anything?
What was I doing now? Oh yes, sleep. Sleep. S-L-E-E-P
Okay, I'm a loser.
Screw it.
*grins a little*
So long as we walk together, I will protect you...
Posted by Nikalyn at 12:27 AM | Comments (4)
April 27, 2003
Candy flavoured Tears
*bangs head on desk*
*bangs head on desk more*
*bang, bang, bang, bang*
*continues in hopes of knocking herself out and making it all go away*
Posted by Nikalyn at 02:23 PM | Comments (0)
April 26, 2003
*kills every man on earth...but chris*
Ugh. I hate men. Men = evilness.
Why do they lead me on when:
1.) they are talking to another girl
and
2.) they are complete psychos that get mad at the littlest thing and won't even talk to me
I hate being fucking ignored. Yell at me, cuss at me, use little ...'s, just press the enter key a million times but do NOT ignore me. I don't know if you're there or away just idling or just plain ignoring me because you hate me.
Screw this crap.
I'm pissed and depressed and all that lovely crap all in one right now.
*stomps foot*
Just when I think everything was going quite well.
Click *points down* to see my lovely away message on aim right now.
I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life I hate my life. I hate my life. Yes I typed this by hand. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life
There's a little hidden message there somewhere.
On the good side of things, one of my newly found emo friends wants to use one of my poems/songs and record it for his band. Mighty cool. ;) Can't wait to hear it.
Oh Lynz, look, the last entry was posted at BSB time. Lmao. How frickin odd.
Posted by Nikalyn at 10:43 PM | Comments (3)
Errrr What was THAT?
I'm not sure what just happened. I think my emo boy is mad at me or something. Something isn't right. I'm confused. I knew he couldn't like me. I was stupid to think differently. *frowns* I'm depressed now.
Have I ever mentioned I hate my life? Yeah, I do. I HATE it.
I also have 3 papers, a project, and a collection of math to do by Monday.
Lovely stuff.
*kills self*
Posted by Nikalyn at 08:58 PM | Comments (2)
April 25, 2003
I starve for you
It's fun meeting super cool emo guys. Rob is now my idol. He rocks. 31 Dashboard concerts? I think so my friend. How cool is that??! He travels around and goes to almost every Dashboard concert. I found out he's going to the Columbus one that me and Lynz are going to so hopefully we're all going to meet up. He's planning on going up there at 9 in the morning to ensure a good seat. Us...we're not going that early. So we're gonna sneak up front, find him, and steal a spot. *grins*
It's so cool to meet a guy who is a bigger fan than myself. A true emo kid and not a poser like the kind we get around here. LoL.
He even claims that he can get us to meet Chris. *squeaks*
Him: we must stay in touch though
Him: ok?
Me: of course
Him: so we can hang out together at the show
Me: why wouldn't I?
Him: and i can introduce you to chris after the show
Me: you can??
Him: yup yup yup he is so nice
Me: awww. how will you do that? does he just always meet people or what?
Him: well he typically does, but since ive been to soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo many shows he knows me now and it shouldnt be a problem going around after the show and finding him and getting him to say hi to you
Me: lol is he like Oh hey Rob! You here again? lol
Him: haha probably
Him: no
Him: he thinks its pretty wild actually there are a few of us (yes they are on the dashboard site a couple of them) that travel the country every season
Me: well I will totally have to stick around then. ;)
Did I mention that emo guys rock?
Posted by Nikalyn at 06:11 PM | Comments (2)
Our Lovely Leader
We love that little aspyre scamp. ;)
Click here to see what went down
Posted by Nikalyn at 05:25 PM | Comments (4)
April 24, 2003
The Sickness is Rising
I don't feel well...
I couldn't sleep last night so I got up and watched a few episodes of Angel hoping they would get my mind off things. Got back in bed and rolled around for a few hours finally getting to sleep at about 4. Every time I rolled over while I was sleeping I got really dizzy. I could feel myself being dizzy but since I was sleepy I would just pass out and forget about it until the next time I rolled over. Then the process would repeat itself. I didn't really make anything out of it...
I got up this morning at the command of the loveable cat (Look down two entries) and dragged myself out of bed. Drag is the word here because I felt like such crap. Every sudden movement makes me dizzy. I have the hugest headache. I'm so exhausted but I know I couldn't fall back asleep even if I wanted to...
Headache, dizziness, sleepy, damn if I didn't know better I would say I had a hangover. Psssh. That's a laugh.
Anyway, I took a shower and it didn't do any good. Still really really dizzy and out of it.
Speaking of shower, while I was getting undressed I discovered that I have claw marks from previously said adorable kitten on my boobs. Lovely. It's kinda like the ones that Eve has...just no where near as cool.
I have a good idea for a poem but I can't write it or the room starts spinning...
I feel icky...I think I will go lay down now.
Someone bring me soup? Or ramen? *notes that she is naked except for a housecoat and all wet from her shower...if that is any incentive at all*
Dude...this is how out of it I am.
I swear to god those stars on my logo are twinkling.
Damn ye! Look! They're moving!!!
Posted by Nikalyn at 03:04 PM | Comments (2)
April 23, 2003
Bloody Hell Part Deux
Internet is working good for the moment. I'm happy. :) Here in a few I will try the whole downloading songs thing once more. Hopefully my rate will be back to normal. I have a White Stripes album and two new Dashboard songs to get. ;)
Tonight is Wednesday meaning...American Idol, Dawson's Creek, and Angel Night!! *dances* Carmen got voted of AI much to my enjoyment. I HATED that girl. *grins* The show will be so much better now. I only saw part of Dawson's but previews for upcoming shows says that one person will die...and if it's Pacey I'm gonna kick some WB ass...that's all I'm saying. Watching Angel at the moment. I love that man...yes, yes I do. *grins* Now I can enjoy him any time because I have Angel season one on DVD. Angel and Doyle goodness. Life is grand.
Mom brought home a bunch of clothes from someone...some look potentially cool. I will have to examine them...
Oooh my Loki climbed up on my computer today. It was the most adorable thing EVER. So I took pictures. *points to the webcam*
Once again....
My lame count downs:
99+ days until the king of aspyre r0ck$ B-T0wn
42 days until the loser girls of Belpre enter the Prince of Pain's domain (In other words...the Dashboard Concert)
Posted by Nikalyn at 09:35 PM | Comments (0)
Bloody Hell
I turned my little external modem off for the night just to see if for some reason it might help some.
It took me about 10 tries to get it to dial up today.
My connection seems alright at the moment.
Don't want to jinx it though.
*hrms*
*rubs her chin*
There's something rotten in the state of Denmark.
My lame count downs:
99+ days until the king of aspyre r0ck$ B-T0wn
42 days until the loser girls of Belpre enter the Prince of Pain's domain (In other words...the Dashboard Concert)
Posted by Nikalyn at 06:41 PM | Comments (2)
April 22, 2003
Major Grrrness
My connection is crap today...well I hope that's just what it is. I can't connect to absolutely anything. The only way I'm on aspyre is because I turned off all the images. This and the fact that my downloading speed on winmx is about .8 something...I'm assuming my connection is horrible today. I've heard people with dial up have problems like this but...errr...I've never had it. I've always had to disconnect a million times but beyond that I could connect to everything and everything had been able to load. I'm hoping that's all that's wrong...
I thought I had a virus at first but I ran a scan and everything turns out to be fine. I'm quite confused actually.
I think I'm gonna leave it off for awhile when I go out tonight. See if a little rest is all it needs. I went into chat just to ask for help...I didn't get a lot. Download this, this could be wrong, nothing that I know how to fix. It wasn't all that speedy of help either...so I left again.
I think I'll just let the damn thing die.
Not like anyone would miss me.
No wonder I left.
By the way its grand when you come to someone for help...and then they go talk on the phone.
Bloody brilliant.
*gives annoyed face*
Posted by Nikalyn at 06:14 PM | Comments (2)
April 21, 2003
*big big grin*
Okay, it has finally happened. I'm happy. I'm smiling. Fuck, I'm beaming! Life is grand, life is good. I'm fricking ecstatic! I want to dance and sing and run around the room screaming. I want to tell everyone...but there's no one to tell. Errr...that's beyond the point I guess. Anyway, I'm so so happy!
Why you ask?
Because I got Dashboard Confessional tickets!! *dances around the room*
My favoritest band in the world and I am going to go see them! :)
I asked myself through my MSN name "Will Ender save me?" No this wasn't just a cool song title, it actually was a question that needed to be answered. It was taken from a Dashboard song called "Ender will save us all" but it had deeper meaning than that. I was asking if Ender (Chris) would save me. Save me from this depression and this damn nasty mood I've been in. And yes, yes he did. Ender saved me. Chris saved me.
:)
I'm a happy bunny.
He's beautiful. I love him.
I was going to upload a cooler pic but...errr...it's not letting me...did foofy ban me from uploading things?
No bad feelings.
Dashboard *dances more*
Now I just have to learn some Beck songs...
"Ender will Save us All"
It's just like you to contest
you wear it like a label on your breast
don't you see what this takes of me?
A certain callousness complies
in your charm and in your pride
a hopeful look draped in despise
I want to give you whatever you need
What is it you need? Is it what I need?
I want to give you whatever you need
What is it you need? Is it within me?
It's hard to explain how I am
getting by on so little from you
It's hard to believe that I would
let myself get so wrapped into you
There's got to be something
that would be worthwhile for me to give to you
We need a connection but you
seem to push me far away from you
The harder I push the further I fall
Well you don't mind me being headstrong
But you don't want to sing along
Maybe it's trite but I can always,
always,always,always,always be wrong
It's just like you to contest
you wear it like a label on your breast
don't you see what this takes of me?
A certain callousness complies
in your charm and in your pride
a hopeful look draped in despise
I want to give you whatever you need
What is it you need? Is it what I need?
I want to give you whatever you need
What is it you need? Is it within me?
It's hard to explain how I am
getting by on so little from you
It's hard to believe that I would
let myself get so wrapped into you
There's got to be something
that would be worthwhile for me to give to you
We need a connection but you
seem to push me far away from you,from you,from you,from you
The harder I push the further I fall
Well you don't mind me being headstrong
But you don't want to sing along
Maybe it's trite but I can always,
always,always,always,always be wrong, be wrong
Try not to be
Try not to be
Try not to be
Try not to be wrong
Posted by Nikalyn at 08:27 PM | Comments (3)
Quizzes
Because I'm bored. And I said so.
You're depressed. Really you are. And you
definitely have a reason. You often space out
and stare at things blankly, even if you're
normally hyper and energetic. This is because
nothing really seems important anymore. You
might just be sad right now, or you might be
manic depressive. Don't worry. Have some cocoa
and stuff'll be ok.
How Depressed are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
-Perfect- You're the perfect girlfriend. Which
means you're rare or that you cheated :P You're
the kind of chick that can hang out with your
boyfriend's friends and be silly. You don't
care about presents or about going to fancy
placed. Hell, just hang out. You're just happy
being around your boyfriend.
What Kind of Girlfriend Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
Hehehee...I'm fond of this one.
You obsessively collect Lord of the Rings
merchandise, you pathetic bastard, and there
are a lot of people out there like you. Hell is
going to be bloody crowded with your kind. At
least you won't be lonely.
Damn Peter
Jackson!
Why Will You Go To Hell?
brought to you by Quizilla
Posted by Nikalyn at 04:01 PM | Comments (4)
April 20, 2003
It Goes A Little Like This
It comes over you. This feeling of complete uselessness and eveything seems so futile. You sit and put yourself down over and over again until you lose yourself in self doubt and pity. You cry these crystal tears but no one ever sees them...you hide them well. It's lonely being on the inside. You try to overcome it all but in the end there's nothing you can do. No one cares that you suffer, no one cares that you drown in complete nothingness. They're sick of your bitching and sick of your moaning. They don't care. No matter how much they say they do. They DON'T care.
You sit and you tell yourself that one day things will be better and you will smile again. But in the back of your mind you wonder if it is possible.
Lynz
Don't take this mood or whatever it is as meaning I don't want to hang out with you and that I hate you. Since no one wants to try and help me I have to help myself. This takes time to myself to get over things. Sometimes I just have to be by myself...its not like you would want to see me cry anyway.
I will always love you.
Don't say that no one cares about you and that no one wants to spend time with you cause I do. I just don't want you to see me this way. Plus you've just been busy the last two days cleaning so I didn't want to bother you. I'm such a bad person and I'm sorry that I don't treat you well. I'm moody and selfish and lazy and all this bad stuff.
*shrugs* No one but you cares about me...so it's hard to be positive in a world with such negativity.
You deny it but a lot more people care about you on here than they do me. And even if they're just faking it a lot more people fake caring about you then me. They don't even care enough to try and fake that they care about me. Two different buddy lists filled with names. Only one person talks to me and that's you. Everyone else could care less. And that's just fine actually...cause I don't care anymore. I've been away from chat for over a week and no one has even noticed! Hell I could be dead and no one would notice! No one would realize that I hadn't been around.
How can I be upbeat and positive in an enviroment like this? One where no one cares about me.
Don't stop caring about me.
I need you.
"You make me smile so wide
When I look into your eyes
And when you're not around
You know you're somewhere stuck inside my mind."
Love you...
Posted by Nikalyn at 12:01 PM | Comments (3)
April 18, 2003
Lucid Dreams and Prophetic Visions
There is talk of a concert in my future.
I even had premonitions about it.
Won't say more until I find out for certain.
Don't want to jinx it like I ALWAYS do.
God, I'm excited!!
Posted by Nikalyn at 01:39 PM | Comments (2)
April 17, 2003
Bloody Brilliant!
My new blog layout is for the most part...done. I might tinker with things just to personalize it but yes the mechanics are done. I think it looks really really good! I like it a lot! A mega thanks goes out to Amadeo and Elios for their designing and hard work. It was much appreciated! It looks really good! It kicks mucho ass!!
*yawns* I am so sleepy. I have been doing nothing but sitting here and downloading winamp skins all night. Such a dork, I know. The sad thing is I have SO MANY skins. So many anime skins and I don't even get anime here. So mainly I see a pretty picture and save it. LoL. I only know a few of the shows...but we don't get full blown anime over here. I'm so deprived. Anyway, this is my new skin. It's a cool looking priest guy from some card game called Juvenile Orion. *shrugs* But he's a cutie. So he shall be my winamp until I get bored with him and change to one of the million other ones I downloaded tonight.
I'm so lame.
LAME.
Oh yeah we got our cap and gown for graduation. We look like we could flag down planes and go hunting...that's how ORANGE they are. Seriously, it looks like we went to jail for killing someone and got one of those cool orange jumpers. Tsk...my mom freaked out about it. :-/ I hate the colour orange.
Oh and guess what the next 10 days is....
SPRING BREAK!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yay! No school for me!!!!!!!
Oh and no I'm not more happy. I'm just relived that I don't have to deal with school. Like I say on MSN, Nikalyn is still dead. And she's staying that way for awhile.
*nods*
Posted by Nikalyn at 11:04 PM | Comments (2)
April 16, 2003
Watch your step
My blog is currently under construction. The next couple of days it might look messed up because we are experimenting with things. Don't mind the debris.
Thanks to Lynz who is patiently working on it. ;)
It looks better already.
Posted by Nikalyn at 10:34 PM | Comments (2)
April 15, 2003
Cold
Things are not better. I am not more happy and will probably stay this way for awhile. I'm mad and spiteful and vengeful. There's so much hate inside me right now it doesn't seem possible and yes I am aware it's not healthy. But you know what? I've never been one for health. I'd rather live the way I want and die then conform and live longer. I don't care if all these feelings are tearing me up and if I'm being transformed into this unpleasant person. I really don't care. My exact kindness was never appreciated by the person I wanted to appreciate it the most. And so if he doesn't care? Why should I?
Lynz pointed out that it is a lot less stressful to hate people rather than to love them. Love only leads you down a path of hurt and pain. Hating people lets you not get hurt. Don't get me wrong, I don't hate you guys. You guys are my friends. Well...most of you guys who are actually reading this are my friends. But the point is you're not here...and people here I hate. People here don't care and probably never will.
I'm hurting myself in the long run but it's something I need to do. I'm a bitter person. Cynical of all around me. And pretty much every day I encounter something that causes me to get sick. Ignorance, Selfishness, Pettyness, you pick, I see it everyday. And I'm getting sick of being the nice one who has to put up with all of it. So yes, in short I am closing myself up to everyone. No one will get close to me except those who already are. I will keep myself away from those who make this hate rise up because of the fact that he DOESN'T CARE! Common decency is all I ask from some people. He never had to love me. But he could at least care...especially after all the shit he did to me. But he doesn't and he is obilivious. Although I have attempted many times to stay away I am determined this time to do it. I will become that bitter old hermit that you read about in stories, the one distrusting of all and spiteing all the heartless people who caused him to be that way.
This will be me.
It's not pretty and it's certainly not glamerous but I really don't feel like sugar coating anymore.
Hopefully this phase will pass soon.
Posted by Nikalyn at 10:06 PM | Comments (3)
April 14, 2003
Take Another Bit of My Heart
Just kill me. Seriously. Life is shit. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of people saying stuff to my face that they know will hurt me. Damn damn sick of it. This is it I think. The last straw. No romanticized version of me anymore. I'm done with it.
It's funny how it is so apparent I'm upset and no one cares. NO ONE. They come off like they do but they don't. If you leave chat because you're crying too much that the screen is a blur and you just happen to come online again to check something and one of those "friends" who just witnessed the event just happens to have your screen name....you'd think they would ask you what's wrong. Right? WRONG!
The new Nikalyn won't be very nice...
No one will like her.
Wait...did they like her to begin with? They just claim to have. I hate people who say they care for you but are NEVER there when you need them. NEVER!! God, I'm crying again.
Like I said...no one will like new Nikalyn.
Just you wait...
I was going to go take a lot of aspirin so hopefully I would pass out...but foofy gave me a bad mental image.
Bits of my convo with Foof
foofy says:
but what i want to say is...
foofy says:
don't give up and act like it's all a failure... cause it isn't
The Saddest Song says:
I'm just sick of it.
foofy says:
cause everyone opens up eventually. it just needs patience.
The Saddest Song says:
Maybe if I were to see just one act of fricking kindness I could believe it
The Saddest Song says:
but I havent
The Saddest Song says:
everything is of selfishness
The Saddest Song says:
the one time I thought someone actually liked me for me they were lying the whole time
The Saddest Song says:
I'm sick of being used and for people taking advantage of me
The Saddest Song says:
and I'm damn sick of having things that make me happy and have them taken away
foofy says:
:/
foofy says:
but that's how it has to be
foofy says:
cause...
foofy says:
if you're not hurt alot
foofy says:
you'll never get it and understand....
The Saddest Song says:
I can't stand how people don't care
foofy says:
it's not that they don't care
foofy says:
it's that they don't know how to express it and interact with it openly
foofy says:
or that they are too lazy. or foolishly think avoiding something this complex means they won't get hurt
foofy says:
like dil
foofy says:
dil shoudl have just been honest
The Saddest Song says:
He shouldn't have gotten me involved
The Saddest Song says:
He didn't even love me
foofy says:
well that depends
The Saddest Song says:
and I still am so so so so in love with him
foofy says:
love doesn't always mean "forever"
The Saddest Song says:
god I hate it
The Saddest Song says:
no he never did
foofy says:
but when it ends it doesn't mean it never existed
The Saddest Song says:
he pretty much told me
foofy says:
that's cause he can't be honest
foofy says:
or is afraid you won't understand
foofy says:
i mean...
foofy says:
he needed you
foofy says:
being needed, is a form of love
foofy says:
i mean, even if he needed you just to get over another relationship...
foofy says:
realize that there was a need, you were the only one at the time who could fill it...
The Saddest Song says:
He could have found anyone else
foofy says:
no, i don't think so
foofy says:
i mean....
The Saddest Song says:
I was just convenient
foofy says:
he saw something in you that he needed.
foofy says:
nah
foofy says:
be honest with yourself. if he could have found just anybody else...
foofy says:
wouldn't he have?
foofy says:
no
foofy says:
he found you
foofy says:
wanted you
foofy says:
even if it was brief...
foofy says:
even if it wasn't full
The Saddest Song says:
I was just there....and I was flirting with him
The Saddest Song says:
and he flirted back
foofy says:
at least appreciate that
The Saddest Song says:
it's just how it happened
The Saddest Song says:
if it wasn't me it would have been someone else
foofy says:
but it *was* you
but that's how it works
foofy says:
you move on
foofy says:
you give elsewhere
foofy says:
you wait
foofy says:
someone brings it back
foofy says:
cause it'll happen
foofy says:
it always does
foofy says:
just believe you're gonna get hurt again
foofy says:
worse than before
foofy says:
set yourself up ready for the fall
foofy says:
get that into your head when it's not so bad
foofy says:
and then when it is... well, it'll be easier to remember
The Saddest Song says:
I always think like that. I predicted that with Dil actually
The Saddest Song says:
I said that it wasn't for real
The Saddest Song says:
it wasnt
foofy says:
well
foofy says:
see?
foofy says:
but i don't want you to go thinking "this isn't for real, this is stupid"
foofy says:
it's not that really
foofy says:
it's more like...
foofy says:
"this is good, i love this... i want to appreciate it now before it's gone. i want to remember it forever."
The Saddest Song says:
I said that too...kinda
The Saddest Song says:
thats why I remember stupid little things
foofy says:
hehe
foofy says:
but stupid little things are good
foofy says:
tell me some stupid little things that made you happy
The Saddest Song says:
well he would personally help me out of the car everytime we got out.
The Saddest Song says:
hand in hand jump down thing
foofy says:
lol
foofy says:
tell me more
The Saddest Song says:
and every night he'd tuck me in
The Saddest Song says:
and kiss me a million times
foofy says:
more
The Saddest Song says:
and when we were driving to the airport so he could go home he fell asleep on me
The Saddest Song says:
and I memorized everything about him
The Saddest Song says:
every strand of hair
foofy says:
(:
The Saddest Song says:
and he looked so cute when you woke him up
The Saddest Song says:
all startled and such
foofy says:
hehe
The Saddest Song says:
ooh!
The Saddest Song says:
and when he took a shower his hair stood staight up!
The Saddest Song says:
lol
The Saddest Song says:
and it was impossible to put a damn brush through it.
Second thought, maybe I'll do it anyway.
Posted by Nikalyn at 08:19 PM | Comments (3)
I wish things were different
I do. If I could do it all over again I would change so much. I would have stopped before I fell so deep. It's not fair for me to put myself through all of this. But I can't stop. Why? Because...*shrugs* I just do. I'm a nice person. So why do I get the short end of the stick? Why do things never turn out in my favor? Why can't I be happy for a long period of time? Why do I not have the will power to make myself better? It must be nice to shut off feelings. To hide yourself from the world and to be numb. I wish I could be like that. Why can't I be like that? No matter the path I take I'm stuck with this double-edged sword.
To be without it is to be merely that, without it. To be lonely and to have a part of myself missing. To be with it leaves me stretched beyond my means. To be unsure of tomorrow and to be vulnerable, allowing pain to undoubtely come.
I'm unsure. Things seem much better with it...but...these melancholy feelings sometime arise. I need to distance myself. But how? How do you distance yourself from something that is such a big part of you?
It will never be. It will never happen again. To think otherwise is to be a fool. Sometimes it's hard to believe that a feeling that good can't last and will never occur again. Sure, there will be other times when I will smile again but nothing will ever be that amazing, that perfect. But then, it wasn't perfect. It was far from it. It was as I feared. It happened just as I said it would. I predicted my own destruction...and everyone told me I was crazy. But it happened. Things that seem too good to be real...usually are. Perfect things eventually taint and tarnish. Never let people tell you different.
The most painful feeling in the world is unrequited love. Knowing that you are giving yourself so completely to another but getting nothing in return. You would stop the world in mid spin if only they would give you the time of day. But they don't. They go on with their stupid every day life and are too damn blind to see how much you pine for them. This feeling of love stays with you. It could be days, months, even years but it never goes away. No matter what you do it NEVER goes away. It's horrible. How can another human being be so oblivious to another's feelings? And if they even have an inkling of an idea, how can they just not care? I don't mean that they automatically have to love back but how can they just not give a damn that someone cares about them so damn much. I could never play with someone's emotions like that...
It hurts...loving someone who could care less about you. It eats away at your insides. It physically makes you hurt sometimes, having all these intense feelings inside and having no one to let them out on. You want to cry all the time...not because you're sad really but because you feel so deeply and they don't give a shit. It really makes you realize how horrible the world is. People are such selfish bastards. I'd rather die than go through this...
But unrequited love is like that. It doesn't give a damn how long you've been pining. Things will never change and you'll be left there, this bleeding, sobbing, pathetic chunk of flesh that only formally resembles what you used to be.
Things never change. He will never turn around and say that you are the one he's been looking for. He will never tell you that he has been completely wrong ignoring you. He will never love you...hell he never did. Life is a fucking bitch. Nothing good EVER happens to those that deserve it the most. I have learned this. So I sit here hating everything...I turn myself almost completely off to all forms of happiness. I ruin myself.
Love leaves nothing but pain. The happy ending never comes for me. What's the point of loving someone? I wish I could turn all of this off.
I'm too young to be bitter.
Saddest Poem
Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
Write, for example, 'The night is shattered
and the blue stars shiver in the distance.'
The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.
Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.
Through nights like this one I held her in my arms.
I kissed her again and again under the endless sky.
She loved me, sometimes I loved her too.
How could one not have loved her great still eyes.
Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
To think that I do not have her. To feel that I have lost her.
To hear the immense night, still more immense without her.
And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture.
What does it matter that my love could not keep her.
The night is shattered and she is not with me.
This is all. In the distance someone is singing. In the distance.
My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.
My sight searches for her as though to go to her.
My heart looks for her, and she is not with me.
The same night whitening the same trees.
We, of that time, are no longer the same.
I no longer love her, that's certain, but how I loved her.
My voice tried to find the wind to touch her hearing.
Another's. She will be another's. Like my kisses before.
Her voice. Her bright body. Her infinite eyes.
I no longer love her, that's certain, but maybe I love her.
Love is so short, forgetting is so long.
Because through nights like this one I held her in my arms
my soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.
Though this be the last pain that she makes me suffer
and these the last verses that I write for her.
-- Pablo Neruda (1904-73)
Posted by Nikalyn at 05:44 PM | Comments (2)
A Change Will Do Me Good
I would like to change my blog layout. But I have no designing skillz. Eh, we'll see what I can dig up.
Anyway, I tried to get that. *points to last entry* And I was in the lead, but then at the last minute some kid bought it for $67.13. My last minute bid was $67. Go figure. I hate my life.
Maybe one of these days I'll win. But for now I give up. Damn it.
Posted by Nikalyn at 10:15 AM | Comments (2)
April 11, 2003
I want I want I want!!!
*sobs*
I want money. I want money on a credit card.
Me want!! Me want this!!
I would be the envy of a certain poser I know. Ha!
I want! It would look so good sitting on my entertainment center!!
Buy it for me? I will give you my soul. Please? Graduation gift? I love you. I do. Really. Seriously, I do. You're my everything. I kiss the ground you walk on. Please?
*puppy eyes*
You would make my day/week/month/year/life.
You know how annoyingly depressed I get. Cmon, make me smile. Someone told me I'm cute when I smile. Wanna see? Cmon, try me!
I love you!
Posted by Nikalyn at 07:35 PM | Comments (3)
It's a Gambit
Gambit- A maneuver, stratagem, or ploy, especially one used at an initial stage
Or...my favorite X-men character.
Word around town that much to my dismay...although I knew it was coming, Gambit will not be playing a big part in the new X-Men movie. However, it is said that he will have a cameo in a bar scene kinda thing. It shows him lighting a card on fire. Although, it more than likely has been cut from the actual movie and is probably an additional DVD scene. Which is alright with me I guess, as long as I get to see him. It also has been said that in the next X-Men movie he will have a much bigger part. *nods* Good.
The actor said to portray Gambit in this tiny cameo appearance is said to be this man:
James Bamford.
You know, all this considering and hearing some of the other people they recommended for the part such as Ryan Gosling(although one of the cool guys in Murder by Numbers) and Leo Dicraprio. I am actually happy with this pick. I can actually see it. I can actually imagine this guy as Gambit. Give him a brown trenchcoat, a cane, some playing cards, and an accent and it might just make me all tingly inside. He probably won't have any lines though...it's probably for the best. He'd probably fuck up the accent. Oooh but the facial hair does it my friend. Total Gambity.
*swoons a little*
Okay...I was too lazy to rant. Sue me. I was just pissy that Jubilee was chinese. Jubilee is a mall rat from California! How can you put those two together??? Kitty also isn't looking cool to me. She looks about 12. *Is not happy about some of these character choices* Oh well...still can't wait to see it.
Posted by Nikalyn at 10:03 AM | Comments (3)
April 10, 2003
Say what you're thinking right now
Here we lay again
on two separate beds
riding phone lines
to hear that familiar voice
and pictures brought from memory
we reflect on miscomunication
and misunderstandings
and missing each other two
much too without you, let go
we turn our music down
and we whisper
say what your thinking right now
tell me what you thought about
when you were gone and so alone
the worst is over
you can have the best of me
we got older but we're still young
we never grew out of this feeling that we wont give up
jumping to conclusions
made me fall away from you
i'm so glad that the truth
has brought back together me and you
we're sitting on the ground
and we whisper
say what your thinking outloud...
Posted by Nikalyn at 10:30 PM | Comments (3)
April 09, 2003
Man I was way off
The bottom three on American Idol was Kimberly C, Kimberly L, and Ricky Smith. Well at least I got one right. LoL. Ricky was voted off. Yay!
*dances* '
No more damn annoying Hercules!
Posted by Nikalyn at 09:03 PM | Comments (5)
My two obsessions all in one
*squeaks* I'm so excited. Did someone read my mind? It can't be happening can it? Oh wow.
*dances*
It's a great day!
Clicky here to see what the hell I'm talking about.
Sadly it won't be out until 2005. 2000 and fricking 5!! That's so long off! It's like...2 years!!
*cries*
Oh well. I can't wait.
Posted by Nikalyn at 10:09 AM | Comments (3)
April 08, 2003
American Idol Night
Okay I'm obsessed I know. But I really just want to rant about it for awhile. So...even though you people probably don't know who I am talking about...bear with me.
My dearest Clay was the first singer of the night. He sang some song that I had never heard before. However, it was brilliant. Bloody brilliant! I love that man. I swear to God. He's one of the best singers I've ever heard. Simon even said it was perfect. ;)
Kimberly Locke sang My Heart Will Go On....errr I hate that song so I wasn't expecting much. However she did make the song her own and it was a good remake of it. Good comments around the block. Simon seems to be in a much better mood tonight.
Ricky Smith sang Endless Love. I didn't like it. It was icky to me. Ricky has always been totally annoying to me and I can't wait until he leaves. However the judges did like him. Eh, go figure.
Kimberly C. sang Everything I do I do it for you....yeah that Robin Hood song. It's a good song! However, she sucked singing it. She has this oddly deep voice that always creeps me out. She put a nice spin on it and she looked pretty and sparkly...but the performance wasn't very good. Judges thought so as well. Simon cracks me up, I swear to god! He said: "Even Robin Hood couldn't save you on that song." LoL
Josh G sang Amazed by Lonestar. Errr he's a country singer! He has a country voice! Now when I think American Idol I think pop star and Josh is not a pop star. He is a country star. He has a good voice but I can't stand listening to it because...it's totally country! It was an good performance...but I just don't like him that well. Judges again liked it. Go him.
Carmen sang Call me. Now this girl is the one who is pissing me off. First off the vibrato NEEDS to go. She sounds like a damn sheep doing all that stuff with her throat. It sounds bad. Just...wrong. The song was horrible as well. Just overrall bad. Judges thought she stinked as well. Go them!
Treynce or however you spell it...*is not down with the funky spelling* sang the Power of Love. Yet again another Celine Dion song. *hangs self* She did put her own little spin on it however I hated the song and to me it was neither a good performance nor a bad one. Judges all liked it but Simon who said it sucked. Ha. I agree.
Ruben was the last contestant of the night and sang some song called Kiss and say goodbye. Never heard of the song. Apparently it was a good thing. I didn't like the song. Personally I'm not fond of Ruben. He's a good singer yes but he always sounds the same to me. There's no range in his voice...he always sings low, slow songs. He is nothing great to me and frankly I just get bored listening to him. But of course the damn judges LOVED him. Bah. Whatever. I'm bored with him.
My predictions for the bottom three tomorrow are: Carmen, Kimberly C, and Treynce...again. And I think Carmen will be who they vote off.
I believe that in the end the two finalists will probably end up being Ruben and Clay. You know who I would like to win that. But Ruben will probably end up winning. *gags* Whatever. I know Clay will still be famous anyway so it's all good.
Okay, gonna go write my poem for Finley now. Ta!
Posted by Nikalyn at 09:18 PM | Comments (3)
April 07, 2003
Slacker Friendly
Look at my cute kitty! *points to webcam* Isn't she just darling? Sleeping on my brother's dirty clothes. Awww. How frickin precious. *grins like an idiot*
Anyway, I have lots of homework to do tonight. So...now that I acknowlege this...why can't I do it? *thinks* Why am I so lazy and so much a slacker that I cannot get myself to do it? Ack. Damn senioritis. No, I take that back. Senioritis does not exist. It just gives slackers and wannabe slackers a chance to slack without...well...the slack! It gives people the explanation although there is none deeper than "Hey I'm almost done with school and I don't want to do this." for the fact that they don't do anything. I on the other hand am just a slacker. I have been like this for as long as I can remember. Some may call it lazy, and I say to them screw you, let me have my fantasy. I don't try to pass my slackerness off for being "senioritis." Bah. I just plain don't want to do anything.
I'm really tired. I blame it on the time change. *Growls* My sleeping pattern is all messed up now. And to make thing's worse I know that I won't be able to go to bed early tonight either because of said homework.
Hrm. Maybe I need to go get to work. :/
Posted by Nikalyn at 06:03 PM | Comments (5)
April 06, 2003
Finally
I feel better now. Just thought I'd let everyone know. I actually had a coversation today that was about 9 months overdue. I feel a lot better. Well, actually the main problem is not gone. But...neither one of us can do anything to help that. Some things I just have to deal with in time. Oh by the way the flower thing was a friend thing so...I shouldn't have been jealous over that. Hrm *chuckles* Anyway, I confessed to him many things and he did the same. I enjoyed it actually. It had been way too long since I had talked to him alone and without boundaries.
I feel like one of a million weights have been lifted. 999,999 left to go I suppose. I liked how the coversation ended too. I have this thing if the coversation ends well then it was all worth it and good has been done. One of the last things said:
Me: I missed you.
Him: I missed you too ;)
I feel good about the future. It will be nice to have my friend back again.
Posted by Nikalyn at 07:26 PM | Comments (4)
*holds her head in her hands*
Stop it! Just stop it! I don't want to hear about it! All your damn new girl stories are not appreciated!!
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW!!!
Stop throwing shit in just to try to get under my skin. It's working! Knock it off!
*curls up into a ball*
Why are men such pricks sometime? If you have something to say just outright say it to me instead of throwing things in my face to try and make me feel bad. You know how to get ahold of me.
Seriously, it's not that I care who you are with and that you have like 5 girls saying they love you. I don't care. But it's the fact that you don't have the decency to leave your sordid little details away from my ears. Look who you're talking to! Sometimes when you break up with people feelings are left behind...needless to say those feelings had to be learnt to be dealt with and had to be shoved to a deep dark place to never be heard from again...but they're still there okay? And I know sometimes I seem unbothered by things you do but I am. I get hurt a lot by the things you throw in my face.
It's like:
"Hey look at me I have 5 girls knocking at my door and I send flowers to them but guess what? I still hate you. Hahahaha."
It's good that you're happy. But can you just stop rubbing my face in it? Seriously, is there ever a reason to bring this up? No, you do it spontaneously. And that's what hurts. We'll be having a normal conversation. Laughing, joking, friends like old times and all of a sudden you throw in some sordid detail about the girls you are "dating"
*sighs*
Just stop. I love hanging out with you. But there's only so much I can take. Feelings = somewhat still there, just hidden.
I JUST DON'T WANT TO KNOW.
*sighs and knows nothing will change*
Posted by Nikalyn at 02:41 PM | Comments (4)
It's a regular soap opera
Hrm. It seems a few celebrities passed by my blog last night. Two special ones in particular caused a lot of drama in my comments. *wipes tear from her eye* I still have't fully recovered. *sobs*
Go check it out here.
*gives a moment of silence*
Why does every guy I like leave me? :*(
By the way...it seriously did make me cry. Just letting you know. SShhh. Keep it on the DL.
He's a pretty good writer sometimes. Maybe he should write for Days of our Lives. LoL
Posted by Nikalyn at 12:31 PM | Comments (3)
Love Poem
Smiggie wrote me a love poem. Cause he likes me so much.
*clears throat*
And it goes like this:
This poem is crap
But not my love for you
The End.
*sniffs*
Brings a tear to your eye doesn't it?
Oh god...*sobs*
I need to be alone.
He also wrote this beauty when I was ignoring him tonight. Damn. I'm just gonna quit my day job...
agh i'm tired
Nothing hurts more then not being with you
well except for road rash
and when I OD on drugs
and well you get the point.
Brilliant.
Posted by Nikalyn at 12:23 AM | Comments (109)
April 04, 2003
*sighs dreamily like*
You're welcome :)
Posted by Nikalyn at 10:08 AM | Comments (4)
April 02, 2003
Home Alone
Hurray! I'm home tonight all by myself. No mom. No dad. No brother. No one. Just me and the cats. Whoo Wee! I also don't have to go to school tomorrow because my mom is on a business trip and won't be back until tomorrow. Now...if only I had booze and friends! Then the party would really be starting. But instead I will sit here and eat Subway and water and watch Dawson's Creek, Angel, American Idol, and South Park and then go to bed.
God! I wish I had a fricking life!!!
*laughs evily*
Yahoo headline:
Garner, Foley: Splitsville
Click here for more. Hehehehehehe.
I'm such a bitch.
Posted by Nikalyn at 07:39 PM | Comments (4)
April 01, 2003
Not to sound rude
But where the heck is all my stuff for winning my contest? It's not really the fact that I'm supposed to be receiving things. It's the fact that it doesn't feel final yet. I thought I'd get like a plaque or something. Tahnee hasn't even updated her page since the 16th. Maybe she is just having major computer probs.
But still...ya know what I mean? Hrm...
By the way....headline in Yahoo News:
'American Idol' Contestant Corey Clark Kicked Off Show
Mwhahahahahahaha! Mwhahahahahaha!
Did I mention that I really disliked that kid? Hahahahaha. Okay...didn't dislike him as a person...he just had the most HORRIBLE voice in the world. So high and squeaky. It sounded like the kid was in pain.
Apparently he hit his sister or something and had charges put against him. LoL. That's what you get. Don't hit your sister!
And another one gone and another one gone
Another one bites the dust!!!!
*grins evily*
Clay all the way!!
Posted by Nikalyn at 05:28 PM | Comments (5)