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November 30, 2002
You left me drowning
Whoa. I think I have ate entirely TOO much food over the last couple days. I guess its exercise and water for the next few days. :( But yeah my Thanksgiving was nice. I haven't been online for while just because we've been busy with several things. We had our Thanksgiving on Thursday which was nice because we didn't have the large amount of people that we usually have. Just immediate family. It was nice. :) Lots of left overs for once. One of the reasons I still continue to feel very very very fat. :( We also put up some of the Christmas lights and the tree. Besides that, I've just been chilling. I have these times where I don't want to do anything. I just want to sit and watch game shows or something....and most the time no one wants to do that with me. That's why I do it alone. And I don't even mean the new, cool game shows. I mean the old school game shows from the 60's. Oh yes..I'm a dork...yes I know.
There's several things I want to get done before I go back to school. Which I probably will end up NOT doing. First I want to clean...a lot. Its getting really messy down here. But I hate cleaning so more than likely that will not get done....well hopefully I can at least get my clothes put away.
OMG...my connection just went out again. Jesus this is such a piece of crap. First the damn line was busy for an hour and now this. *sits and steams*
I got my Elijah magazine Wednesday night. Hurray! It kicks much ass. I adore that boy. :) It says his type of women includes: girls with dark hair, and girls usually with an accent. How odd that that's exactly MY type. I like guys with accents and well...I've never liked anyone with blonde hair...well...err...except that one time...But yeah. We have the same tastes! But I guess we can make an exception for each other eh?
Over the last few days I've also found a love in watching British television. Odd because I've had such an anti-british experience that I'd want to watch the damn channel for hours. Anyways yesterday they had a Junkyard Wars marathon and the day before they had a Changing Rooms marathon. I watched them both. And I'm proud to say that I'm now hooked. Very very hooked. Good good show.
OMG the internet disconnected again.
I hate my life.
Anyone want to pay for me some DSL or Cable? Please?
*whimpers*
Anyways I'm off to check up on all my favorite bloggers.
Until we meet again...
Posted by Nikalyn at 03:45 PM | Comments (2)
November 27, 2002
Dirrrty
I took pics today. Wet pics that consisted of me topless from the shower. They're not going to be shown to anyone really. I just figured its a good thing to have some...you know...in case of emergencies? Umm...yeah...anyways.
So yeah I feel dirty now. LoL. But the reason of this post is that I thought I'd share a few of the good, clean pics that I'm really fond of. Yay! Enjoy. :D
Click d0wn there*points down* to see the pics. Yay!
This one is a little racey for blog material but I really like it...lol...at least I have a shirt on in this one!!
Posted by Nikalyn at 11:11 PM | Comments (5)
Thank you sir I'll have another
I love him. He's the most gorgeous guy on the fing planet. And the funny thing is I never thought he was. He grew on me so much. Awwww...he's so gorgeous. I want to marry that man...and hey! He's single now. Its open season on Elijah!
He will be mine...oh yes...he will be mine.
Nah. I don't want to write an actual entry. I'm sick of writing. This week has been too too damn long. I had to write 3 essays. I think I'm just gonna chill tonight.
But I just HAD to post this picture somewhere. He's Fing hot. No no he's so hot that I'll even write out the curse word. He's FUCKING hot. Oh yes...
Yes waiter I'll take two of that. What? That will be 6.50? No I would not like fries with that. Please drive through. Have a good day sir. ;)
Posted by Nikalyn at 04:52 PM | Comments (1)
November 26, 2002
Screw you fascists
Yes...screw you guys for not leaving comments when I leave you guys comments all the time. Grrrrrr on you. A pox on all your houses. Nah...just kidding. :) I still love you.
Anyways. Its snowing. Like A LOT. They're saying 2-4 inches through the night. *grins* I'm so happy. I love snow. Its one of the few things that make me happy. I like rain as well but we always see rain. Snow on the other hand is something we don't get a lot. Sure we get some. But never alot. I want alot. I want 6 inches. I want more than that actually. I want sooooooo many snow days. We hardly get those anymore. I just hope it snows enough to cancel school tomorrow. I have a test I dont want to take...and a essay to turn in.
Speaking of this essay after I get done writing this I NEED to go get started on it. I have SO much work to do. I have to write a biography on Sylvia Plath and how her life is evident in her novel, "The Bell Jar" Ugh...I don't want to do it. I'm such a procrastinator now. *sighs* But come on...its almost Thansgiving. Tis the season after all. The season of slacking. ;)
I had three essays due this week. Ugh...so writing this one is just taking too much effort at the moment. By the way I want to thank Grrl and Siren for proof reading my papers. I really appreciate it. I'll tell you guys what I got on it whenever I get them back. But the help was very appreciated. Thanks again guys :D
Its so nice out. I'm so happy. Snow puts me in such a good mood. Too bad I have to go and do some double timing on this essay or else I'd be having a fing great day. *gasps* Nik can't have one of those can she? I doubt it. *smirks*
By the way does anyone know of any good songs I can download? I'm in a new music searching phase right now and I haven't encountered a lot. Although I do have this damn Under the water song stuck in my head. *smiles*
Alright...I really need to get to work on this damn thing.
Leave me FING COMMENTS!!! *smiles innocently* I love you guys.
Posted by Nikalyn at 03:26 PM | Comments (6)
November 23, 2002
*screams at the top of her lungs*
Sometimes I feel like just strangling people. Or...at least bashing objects on the floor around them to strike fear in their hearts. Either way. But yeah. Little things irritate me too much and I need to stop. Maybe I do have reason to be upset...maybe not...but still! Grrrrrrr. Ugh. I won't go into detail. But yeah...
And speaking of irritation...when the hell is songmeanings.net coming back? I'm getting fing impatient. I cannot live without that site. Its my main source of lyrics and general bursts of laughter. (when reading what people think the meaning of a Britney Spears or Nsync song is.) They need to get their ass in order. I need that site.
Lynz spent the night last night as always. All we did was watch most of Happy Gilmore. At about 9:30 she suggested that we sleep for a few hours because we were getting freaking tired. Sounded good to me. I went in, fell asleep, and didn't wake up until 10:30 the next morning. 13 hours of sleep = good times for Nik. Lynz never did wake me up. Which was in turn fine with me. Sleep is good. Therefore Nik with sleep is good.
I have so much work to do. But I can't seem to find the strength to do them. I need to clean...I need to do loads and loads of homework which includes 3 essays, 2 physics labs and pratice problems, and stats problems. There might be more...who knows. I also for some reason have my bro's Playstation. Yay! Meaning I can play me some more WA3. W00t w00t. So yeah...too much crap to do. So little time. And on top of that every time I want to try and get things started I start getting really really tired. Such as now...I'm exhausted. I want sleep....*whimpers*
OMG...Loki just looked up at me and gave me the cutest little look. Awwww. *melts* This kitty kills me. She's so adorable. She's my little baby. I am so motherly with her...its funny. I think it must be all that hard core sucking time she gives me. LoL. I swear to god...never knew cats sucked until her. But hey she's fing adorable and she's one of the things making me happy lately. So...therefore. Loki + other things = Nik happy. Nik happy = a good world once more.
This describes my mood well I think.
Sustain You
So far away not knowing how to handle
The distance between
Avoiding situations that will show
That this is not the same
Try to see through my window
I can't but I will sustain you as long as I can bear
The thought of humbly keeping Silence is my answer
I will remain here
Quietly seething
As the crowd moves in roaring to carry me away
I've always kept this push from shoving
The edge closer now
It's true enough
I have nothing left to say
Try to see through my window
I can't but I will sustain you as long as I can bear
The thought of humbly keeping Silence is my answer
I will remain here
Quietly seething
As the crowd moves in roaring to carry me away
I can't, but I will
No I can't, but I will
I will sustain you
As long as I can bear
The thought of humbly keeping
Silence is my answer
And I will remain here
Quietly seething
As the crowd moves in roaring to
Carry me away
Carry me away
And I will sustain you
I will sustain you
I will remain ehre
Quietly seething
As the crowd moves in roaring
To carry me away
I think it has a hidden meaning for me. ;) Anyways...I shall take my leave of you goodly folks.
Good Eve.
Posted by Nikalyn at 11:25 PM | Comments (3)
November 21, 2002
One more day
Today's Thursday. If I can only get through tomorrow my life will be great. I have so much crap due and need to complete by then. I have a huge government test tomorrow but all night I was trying to finish the huge government homework that went along with it. I just recently finished it and man am I tired. It took a lot out of me. Took about 6 pieces of paper as well. I despise that class very much...hrm...yeah anyways. So I will probably end up failing that test just because I know nothing about the chapters and because I was doing the homework tonight I didn't get to study. Hopefully I will find sometime tomorrow morning before class to cram. Funny, I do well when I cram.
I also didn't do my stats homework. I didn't know how to do it. It was hurting my head. I did one problem and put it down. Grrrr. I don't figure I'll get time to finish it tomorrow so....let's just hope he doesn't look at it. :-/
I didn't write a rough draft of a paper for World Lit either. I'm "attempting" to write it at the moment...if that tells you anything. Its not going well needless to say. I think I'll just bullshit my way through it and write something better on the weekend. Ugh...School tomorrow will be hell.
Especially since my mother has to leave by 7 tomorrow so we have to leave 10 minutes earlier than usual....and since I wake up about 2 minutes before we leave in the first place...I won't be getting a lot of sleep tomorrow. Grrrrr...
Not fun...I'm looking forward to a nice Friday night doing nothing but sitting here. *smiles* Looking forward to it already.
But hey go here and look at my pics. I have a bunch of albums but most of them I haven't updated in awhile...since I take pics almost every day. The newest album is called "Void of colour" They're kinda black and white ish. Not completely but I messed with the colour and made them look a little spiffy. I like the effect. And I look good....*smirks* Go look if you want.
http://photos.yahoo.com/nikalynthespiffy
Posted by Nikalyn at 10:52 PM | Comments (4)
November 20, 2002
*smiles*
A certain comment just made me smile. Didn't even know it was there until today. And in all actuality I don't recognize who left it. But it did make me happy. :) So yeah....let's just post a song so my mood stays put. W00t W00t. *beams*
Downfall by Matchbox 20
Wonder how you sleep
I wonder what you think of me
If I could go back
Would you have ever been with me
I want you to be unused
I want you to remember
I want you to believe in me
I want you on my side
[Chorus]
Come on and lay it down
I've always been with you
Here and now
Give all that's within you
Be my savior
And I'll be your downfall
mmm, mmm, mmm
Here we go again
Ashamed of being broken in
We're getting off track
I wanna get you back again
I want you to trouble me
I wanted you turning down
I want you to agree with me
I want so much so bad
[Chorus]
Come on and lay it down
I've always been with you
Here and now
Give all that's within you
Be my savior
And I'll be your downfall
mmm, mmm, mmm
Yeah, be my savior
(Only love can save us now)
(Don't lay me down)
(Only love can save us now)
I'll be your downfall (I'll be your downfall)
(Ah, love can save us now)
(Don't save me now)
Lay it down
I've always been with you
Hear me now
With all that's within you
Be my savior
And I'll be your downfall
mmm, mmm, mmm
Now I'm back on my own
Hear my feet, they're made of stone
Man, I make you go where I go
Well hell, you, can I take you home
Well, I'm coming home on my back
Kissing me, your lips painted black
Saying Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh
Let me be your downfall
Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh
Let me be your downfall, baby
I fing love them.
Posted by Nikalyn at 09:48 PM | Comments (5)
November 19, 2002
I'm an enigma
I'm "a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma..."(Winston Churchill)
I challenge anyone to find the real me. You may think you know but you probably have no idea. How can you? I don't even know who I am. I ask that to myself all the time. Who the hell am I? What the hell will become of me? All I find are a basket of more questions. I am a mystery to myself.
What makes an individual in the first place? What makes someone...themself? Is it because they act unlike anyone else? If so, do I act any different then others? Well...maybe. Considering during the whole day most people will be lucky to get 2 words out of me. Not that I don't want to talk to them. Maybe I just don't have anything to say. Or maybe I am upset at something. I'm like that alot...but for the most part I just have too much on my mind to be bothered with something else.
Hrm? Is being an individual mean you like things no one else likes? Well...I can't say I like anything that hardly anyone else likes...although I find myself trying to all the time, only to wind up empty handed. I have this thing that I hate things to become popular. I hate my favorite things to become loved by everyone. Yes, maybe its selfish. Or maybe its just because once the world gets their hands on it, they will without a doubt taint its very presence. The world gets a hold of something that I hold dear, they force me to slowly stop liking it. I also have this thing where I get possessive. I want things to myself. I want things that feel like I'm the only one that likes them. Its selfish. Yes. Welcome to my life. I'm selfish. Apparently. But its just the way I am....I think.
I can't tell you what makes a person, themselves. I don't know what about me makes me, me. Do I have anything special about me that others don't have? I doubt it. I mean...there has to be someone somewhere that could give people the same things I give them and so much more. What do people like about me in the first place? I've been called annoying and whiney and selfish and ugly and fat and blah blah blah. So what draws people to me? Hrm..I don't know.
I am an enigma. A riddle. A never-ending mystery. A major contradiction...there's no explaination for things I do. No reasons lie behind my actions. I do stupid things without thinking. People say I'm smart but in reality I know very little and get bad grades when it counts.
Who the heck am I?
I'm one huge conundrum...
But hey on the bright side...*points to her webcam* Thats the cutest pic of me actually smiling I've ever seen. *notes that you have to actually click the webcam picture to see the new image. The thumbnail is not refreshing correctly. I think I look kinda cute....well if I can be cute.
Posted by Nikalyn at 07:46 PM | Comments (4)
November 17, 2002
I don't feel well...
No I'm not sick. I just don't feel happy right now. Damn, I hate this. Ever have a selfish time when all you want to hear is someone saying nice things about you? Just to have them sit there and say they love you and that they need you and that life without you would just...suck?
Yeah...well I'm a selfish one right now. I want that.
I have no one around for this. I miss having a boyfriend...
I hate saying that...makes me feel weak.
I just need a few kind words right now....
Oh yeah I miss my wand as well... :-/ Damn thieves..
Posted by Nikalyn at 10:15 PM | Comments (5)
I'm late, I'm late!
I have so much to do. No time to do it in. Ugh. I have to write a rough draft of a paper tonight as well as study for a math test. Plus I have NO paper in which to do any of this on. *whimpers* Oh wait...there's some. Mom through it down the steps...err...yeah anyways.
I have no time to do all this in.
I did get my Trainspotting thingy done for Humanities class. I picked the last couple scenes in which to talk about and show for the class. It does have a cuss word in it but I will try to mute it when that time comes around. There's also a few bastards in there but I couldn't make out what the guy was saying unless I had captions on so...I think I will be okay. ;) I will probably mute that just in case. They're good scenes. Too bad I have to cut it because he starts cussing again...damn school guidelines!
Anyways...I gotta go work now. I just needed to come on here to look up some info about the movie and find me a Ewan McGregor pic. :D
Posted by Nikalyn at 05:54 PM | Comments (1)
Has there ever been someone more handsome?
He blows me away. Everytime I see him. The very sound of his voice melts me. I hear his name and I immediately want to claim him as my own. Is this wrong? Am I totally out of my mind? Nay, I'm just too taken by 19 year old boy with a Scottish accent.
He's gorgeous. That's all there is to it. His eyes get me every time I see them. Is it wrong to adore him? I wonder to myself. I mean...he doesn't even know I'm alive.
Aye, there's the rub.
He's a famous one eh? Of course. And seeing damn Harry Potter made me want him again. *grrrs softly*
Sean Biggerstaff, who plays Oliver Wood in Harry Potter. I *heart* him.
Gorgeous eh? Don't touch him, he's mine. *gets her claws ready* LoL..
If adoring this boy is wrong, well then blimey I don't want to be right.
*laughs at the major corn factor there*
Ah, I just figured out why I like him so much. This is from All Movie Guide: "Aspiring to follow in the footsteps of such contemporary Scottish stars as Ewan McGregor, Sean Biggerstaff may have his work cut out for him."
*coughs* See the connection there? Hrm? Hrm? A little man called Ewan McGregor. Rawr. ;)
I'm sorry...its the accent. I can't resist that. Accents kill me! *whimpers* Hey, did I mention I love him?
Posted by Nikalyn at 12:31 AM | Comments (5)
November 15, 2002
Hardcore, like totally
Yes. Oh yes...Harry Potter comes out today. Guess who is leaving in about 15 minutes to see it? Me and Lynz. W00t w00t w00t. ;) If we dont get in the 7 movie we'll go to the late 10 movie. They both can't be sold out.
You know? It takes a real hard core mofo to wear a Nine Inch Nails shirt among a sea of little kids to see Harry Potter.
But I pull it off nicely methinks.
I look like a devil worshiper compared to those kids.
I rock.
I rock like....a hard, round item made out of stone....
*smirks*
I'm fucking cool.
Go see Harry Potter. Booya!
Although....my webcam isn't working...*cries*
But hey...this is me getting ready to see harry potter. Cheers!
Posted by Nikalyn at 06:02 PM | Comments (2)
November 14, 2002
I seem to remember this...
I don't like when something is wrong with someone and they don't tell me. Especially when this situation is switched and that certain someone gets pissed when I don't tell them things. They said I didn't trust them enough, they got mad when I wouldn't tell them. They said best friends should be honest with each other...so I asked myself, How is this situation any different? Why shouldn't I be told? Shouldn't I myself be getting pissed? Well I'm not. Annoyed, yes, but not pissed. Annoyed not that they won't tell me, annoyed that there seems to be a double standard. I don't like double standards. But I also don't like not getting talked to all morning, like I did something wrong but then seeing that person jump at the chance to talk to a certain other person and tell their problems that they apparently couldn't tell to me, to them. Hey maybe they didn't tell their problems to her but hey she knows a heck of alot more than me. I don't like being ignored.
Don't get me wrong. Not mad. I tried to help. I tried to ask what was wrong. I tried to make conversation. But all efforts were merely blown off. So what can I do? I don't know. And then when I see her run off to talk to someone else, it bugs the crap out of me. Apparently I was not good enough to tell. She apparently did not trust me enough or whatever to tell me...but she can go talk to someone else...hrm...alright...whatever.
Again...not mad...just annoyed and confused and am reminded once more of the times when I belonged to a group of three. Three people but yet I was the third wheel, excluded from every activity and later found out slammed and talked about behind my back. I am reminded of this time a lot lately. I hate feeling excluded...
But hey I tried...I tried to talk...I tried to help...I tried...
What more can I do?
*sighs*
Posted by Nikalyn at 09:56 AM | Comments (4)
November 12, 2002
Back to my roots
I decided yesterday that I would try going back to my lovely chat again. I first entered the lockergnome relm in April or so and since that moment my life has never been the same. I met so many people, some I adore, some I not so adore, some I love, some who broke my heart, but mostly people who have made a huge impact upon my life. The person making the most impact of course being Jeremy. Erk...
Yeah...well anyways. It was the best time of my life while it lasted. But after it was over and I noticed he didn't even care about what he did to me. He went on with his life showing no emotion toward me, offering no form of comfort, pretty much just a fuck you, bugger off kind of thing. He went on with his life, happy and carefree. I found out why later of course. But it pretty much came down to the fact that I couldn't stand him being happy. Yes selfish at the time but god damn it I had a right. So...being in the chat and seeing him happy....couldn't happen. So I left.
Its been about 2 or 3 months since I've spent a few hours in there. Once in awhile I would go in just to say hello. But it lasted about 5 minutes. And I left. I don't know if anyone missed me. A few kept in contact. Most didn't. But after awhile I began to miss the interaction...so I figured I'd try out the chat again. Give it one more try. It deserved at least that.
Last night I came back. I even got 13 rank on the stats. *laughs softly* Go me. I think I'll start coming in there on a more regular basis. I never realized how much I missed everyone. On a good note, the thing that I have tried so hard to run from isn't there anymore. Or maybe it is...it just isn't there when I am. Either way its a good thing. Its better to not have to deal..
But yeah...unless you are told other wise...
Lockergnome, I'm back.
Posted by Nikalyn at 07:38 PM | Comments (5)
November 11, 2002
Love survey
I'm in a very bad mood. This will probably not help it any but I found this survey and I figured I might as well do it. Its really long so it will probably have a continued thingy link. I think I'll probably later put it on a geocities page for one of my info pages. Whenever I start doing that. Well...anyways. Enjoy.
basic info
1.) what is your name?: Nikalyn
2.) what is the current date?: November 11 2002, Veterans day
3.) what is your sex?: Female
4.) what is your birthday?: January 8th 1985
5.) what is your current relationship status?: single ish
6.) what is your sexual orientation? (if you don't mind me asking): straight
7.) what character traits do you look for in a potential interest?: HONESTY, intelligence, has to make me laugh, oh and someone who isn't using me
8.) what sort of people do you like, as far as what they're interested in in life?: Someone who knows what they want and tries hard to get it
9.) what physical traits do you look for in a potential interest?: I usually like semi dorky/geeky guys...I like guys with glasses. Oohh and I like guys with accents.
10.) what kind of fashion-sense attracts you?: *shrugs* doesnt really matter
11.) what kind of hair style do you find attractive on a potential mate?: *shrugs* once again it doesn't matter
12.) what is the usual age range you look at?: well they have to be around my age...past ones have been older than me however
13.) what traits turn you off?: well..I hate drinkers because I've seen the effects of it, I hate people who do drugs of course, and I hate people who lie to me
14.) do you prefer to date various people, or do you pretty much fall into monogamous relationships quickly?: Monogamous is good..
15.) are you afraid to ask people out on dates?: Yes.
single life
16.) if your single right now, do you wish you were in a relationship?: Yes
17.) what are the positive points about being single?: Well...I don't have to deal with the bullshit that comes along with it...and all the people telling me exactly what he's been doing..and I don't have to worry about whether or not he's out drinking himself to death..
18.) what are the negative points about being single?: I miss his phone calls...I miss his voice...I miss having someone to talk to every day about anything and not have to worry about repercussions...I miss kissing...I miss hugging...I miss I love you's...etc etc
19.) when single, do you often find youself longing for companionship?: *nods*
20.) how well do you handle rejection?: Horribly, I don't even know if I'm over the last one yet
21.) do you miss your last sweetie?: I say I don't...but I think about him at least once a day...so I think that speaks for itself
22.) do you think it's better to look for love, or let it find you?: Let it find you...but the wait is hell
when you're in a relationship ( I'm going to answer these anyways since you don't really have to be with someone to answer them)
23.) if you're currently in a relationship right now, how long have you been in it?: n/a
24.) what's the longest relationship you've been in?: 3 or so years
25.) the shortest?: a couple weeks
26.) what are the positive points about being in a relationship?: You feel loved...you have someone to talk to...you feel absolutely secure....the smile never leaves your face.
27.) what are the negative points about being in a relationship?: You get dependant upon that person...and when or if they leave it kills you...
28.) have you ever gone out with someone you didn't know very well?: yeah
29.) have you ever gone out with someone you had a crush on?: *nods*
30.) have you ever gone out with someone who had a crush on you?: maybe...
31.) what is an example of an ideal, perfect day with your sweetie?: well...my favorite day with *coughs* pretty much just consisted of us laying down together doing nothing but talking...it was nice..
32.) how important is it to you to know the exact status of your relationships (ie: "dating", "going steady", etc)?: Umm...I guess it depends.
33.) do you think couples should spend a very large amount of time together, or space things out a tad?: probably a happy medium of both
34.) have you ever found yourself worried about commitment?: Yeah...not with *coughs* though...maybe I should have...
35.) when involved, do you try to think about the here-and-now, or do you often think about the future?: the here and now..
36.) how do you prefer to handle disagreements?: talk it out
37.) when in a fight, it is better to euphamize things to soften the hurt, or should one be blunt?: euphamize things probably...or else I get teary
38.) how do you feel when your mate is mad at you and won't tell you why?: Irritated..
feelings
39.) do you have a crush right now?: I guess so..
40.) do they know?: well...most of them are famous so I would say no
41.) what's the longest period of time you've ever had a crush?:a couple years
42.) have you ever confessed your feelings to a crush?: Yes...he got weirded out. He was a weird guy though...
43.) has someone who had a crush on you ever confessed to you?: No...would be nice though
44.) do you tell a lot of people when you have a crush?: No not really.
45.) how do you feel about long-distance relationships?: Those are pretty much the only ones I have. They're fine. Both parties just have to be dedicated.
46.) if so, does a phone call with them make you feel better of worse?: better! of course. those were my favorite things. I loved his voice. He made everything ten times better just by saying hello.
47.) have you ever pined for someone when you're not around them?: Yes...all the time
48.) would you get involved with someone if they had a child already?: Probably...just as long as they weren't still in love with the mother...
49.) what would you do if you got pregnant / made her pregnant while in a relationship?: I would cry. I hate kids.
50.) would you get involved with someone if they were previously married?: Yes..they just couldn't still have feelings for their ex
51.) how big of an issue is your mate's morals, to your compatibility?: Not a big deal I guess...I don't have the greatest morals in the world
52.) how big of an issue is political beliefs, to your compatibility?: Not big at all.
53.) how big of an issue is religion to your, compatibility?: Not big...I don't have a religion..
54.) how big of an issue to you is your mate's ethnicity?: Not that big..I guess..
55.) in a potential mate, how important is conversation to you?: Very important, because most the time its the only thing we have...since you know...most of my relationships are long distance
56.) in a potential mate, how important is intelligence to you?: Very important, I gotta have a smart man
57.) in a potential mate, how important is sense of humor to you?: Again very important. I love funny guys.
58.) in a potential mate, how important is understanding to you?: important yes, I do stupid stuff sometimes so they would have to understand that I always have good intentions, despite the fact that it doesn't show
59.) in a potential mate, how important is forgiveness to you?: Important. they have to be able to forgive me for the stupid things I do
60.) how tangible do your shared feelings have to be? (aka: are words even necessary?): Of course words are necessary. They gotta tell me how they feel alot....I'm an insecure person.
61.) what makes your heart flutter, and brings a bit cheesy smile to your face?: Knowing that someone out there actually cares that I'm alive..
Click the more button thing for the rest....oh yes it gets better.
makin' out
62.) what was your first kiss like?: Well...I tell myself that I had 2 first kisses. The first was with *coughs* on the way home from picking him up at the airport. He was just so perfect and everything was just so right that I couldn't help myself. I kissed him then and there. In the back seat of the truck, my parents in the front seat. We had pondered how comfortable I would be with him when I first met him...he laughed later because kissing him showed just how comfortable I was..The second kiss, my real real first kiss took place when we got back to my house, I showed him my basement/room and we just stopped and kissed..
63.) what parts of a person's body do you find most attractive?: Eyes and arms...I really liked *coughs*'s back though..
64.) what's the first thing you look at when you look at someone you're attracted to?: their eyes
65.) how important is the looks of a mate's face to you?: Well...its important. Not the most important thing. But ya gotta love a cute guy
66.) how important is the looks of a mate's body to you?: *points to the last answer*
67.) when you kiss someone for the first time, is it usually you who initiates it, or the other?: I don't remember who did...I know I did the one in the car...I don't remember about the one down here..I think it was a mutual thing
68.) when you are about to kiss someone for the first time, do you generally feel calm, or are you nervous?: nervous
69.) can you generally tell when the time is right for a first kiss to happen with your object of interest?: Yes?
70.) what are you're favorite places to be touched?: back of my neck is great
71.) what are your favorite places to touch?: I don't know...all of them I guess..
72.) what are you're favorite places to be kissed?:lips...of course...ooh and again neck is good.
73.) what are your favorite places to kiss?: Ack. again I say I dont really have a preference
74.) do you prefer long sensual kisses or shorter pecks?: Long kisses are nice.
75.) have you ever kissed someone you longed for?: *nods, nods*
76.) how did that make you feel?: I was the happiest girl in all the land...too bad that went away...he didn't really love me..
77.) have you ever casually made out with someone who you weren't seriously involved with?: No..I think thats one of the things thats wrong with the world.
78.) were you single at the time?: well...since I said no to that question
79.) what are your ticklish areas?: feet
80.) what are your turn-offs?: I think I already named them somewhere on here.
81.) what do you most like about making out?:It makes me feel like someone actually cares about me. It reassures me that they love me. I love the closeness. Its a perfect moment.
sex (there are a lot of action-specific questions I could ask, but I'll save those for the purity tests) (oh, and remember, all this is optional)
82.) are you a virgin?: yeah..
83.) if not, would you consider your first time to have been a good one?:
84.) how old were you when you lost your virginity?: *whistles*
85.) have you ever had sex with someone you loved?: *whistles more waiting for a question she can actually answer*
86.) have you ever turned down an offer for sex?: *twiddles her thumbs*
87.) if you are a virgin, how do you feel about sex?:Umm..I never really thought it was that big of a deal..
88.) if you are a virgin, (rock on!), what are your reasons to stay that way?: Nobody has loved me enough....?
89.) how much do you think sex changes a relationship?: I wouldn't know...
90.) has anyone ever walked in on you during love-making?: *starts whistling again*
91.) on a scale from 1 to 10 (10 being highest) how would you rate your sexual attractiveness?: *doesn't know what this is asking....* I give myself a 7 anyways
92.) on a scale from 1 to 10 (10 being highest) how would you rate your - *ahem* - kink factor?: hehehe thats a funny word... ummm 8?
93.) how do you feel about casual sex?: sex should be with someone you love...not just with any ol someone..
94.) at what level of importance does sex factor into your relationships?: *taps her fingers on the desk*
95.) how important is it to talk frankly about sex?: *yawns*
96.) would you stay with a lover if the love stopped, but the sex was still enjoyable?: FINALLY I can answer one. Umm..No.
97.) would you stay with a lover if the sex stopped / got boring, but there was still love?: Probably
love
98.) do you believe in love?: Yes
99.) do you believe in love at first sight?: Well...kinda. When I first saw *cough* I knew I loved him...but then again we had been talking for awhile before we met
100.) what would it take for you to love someone?: *blinks* Thats a hard question...
101.) has someone ever told you they loved you?: Yes...most of the time I found out they were lying though...funny how that is
102.) have you ever told someone you loved them and meant it?: Everytime I say it I mean it...I don't just say that to anyone
103.) have you ever told someone you loved them and not meant it?: No.
104.) do you believe it's necessary to express your love in words, or is just the atmosphere and feelings enough?: there's gotta be words...I'm a word kind of person
105.) are you a monogamous person, or do you believe in open-ended realtionships?: monogamous
106.) do you believe love can end, or do you think it never goes away, and just changes, or what?: If you really love someone no I don't think it can ever go away. In all honesty...I still love *cough* but I know it will never ever be again. He never loved me in the first place. We were just a lie. If the love does go away it probably was never there in the first place...
marriage
107.) have you ever been married?: No...can't say I have
108.) how do you feel about marriage?: I can't wait to get married. I want to change my last name.
109.) if you're currenlty not married, do you foresee yourself ever tying the knot?: Of course
110.) do you plan on having children some day?: I don't know...
111.) what are your feelings on polyamoury (an "open" marriage, aka: swinging)?: *laughs at this question*
112.) Do you feel that Bill Clinton's extramarital affairs were really the business of everyone else in the world?: Probably not
breakups
113.) have you ever had your heart broken?: HA! Yes...and stepped on.
114.) have you ever been dumped?: Yes...:(
115.) have you ever dumped someone?: *nods*
116.) have you ever mutually broke up with someone?: No I don't think so..
117.) has a romantic companion ever made you cry?: Yes...the last relationship made me cry more than I had ever cried before
118.) did you cry in thier presence?: No...they were too busy going on with their lives...why would he care if he hurt me?
119.) did you cry with them?: No..
120.) have you ever made a romantic companion cry?: No...oh wait yeah
121.) have you ever had an emotional pain so bad it made you sick or physically hurt?: *sighs* Yes...it still does that sometimes
122.) have you ever been unfaithful? if so, how did it make you feel?: Yeah I have...I was too young to know what the hell I was doing though. LoL. So I guess I didn't care. It was too long ago to remember..
123.) if so, did they find out?: No. Don't think so.
124.) have you ever been cheated on? if so, how did it make you feel?: Yes. Like nothing in the world was worth doing.
125.) have you ever had to end a relationship due to life changes not related to romance (ie: moving, strict parents, etc)?: No
126.) have you ever learned an important lesson as a result of a break up?: Yeah...if it feels too good to be true...it usually is.
the aftermath
127.) have you ever gotten back together with someone after breaking up?: *nods*
128.) did it work?: For awhile yes
129.) do you believe there's hope for people after they get back together, or do you think the same problems that caused the initial break-up will resurface?: They usually learn from their mistakes
130.) have you ever broke up and remained friends afterward?: Yes
131.) have you ever broke up and became bitter enemies?: Well I think *coughs* hates me...but I don't hate him.
132.) if so, did you ever made amends?: We tried. I still think he hates me.
133.) have you ever broke up and lost touch?: We're not allowed to talk anymore so...I haven't seen him since we had the quad talk between me, him, his new girlfriend, and Lynz..
134.) have you ever got back in touch with an old flame after a time of more than 3 months of no communication?: Yes.
135.) were you afraid to do so?: Very much so.
136.) do you ever check up on old flames (weather by asking mutual friends, for example), without actually contacting them?: *nods* I do that with *coughs* all the time...I just want him to be happy so I try to check on him to see if he chose the right path. I usually end up a whole lot sadder though...
137.) if you've ever lost touch or went sour with someone who you loved, how did it make you feel?: He went sour with me...I still have some kind of feelings for him. It makes me feel like crap...its a hard thing to accept I guess...that he never even cared...or at least doesn't care anymore..
138.) have you ever longed to get back together with someone?: *scoffs* Have you actually listened to me? I sound like a bad love ballad... Yes I have longed for that...still do..
139.) although it surely depends of specific relationships, how long does it take before your out looking for companionship again?: I don't know...I've tried but everything comes back to him...
Posted by Nikalyn at 06:44 PM | Comments (1)
November 10, 2002
Never let your friends tie you to the tracks.
A tag line from my favorite movie. I have a few favorite movies but that is probably my favorite, along with Lord of the Rings of course. Trainspotting. That's what movie its from. I wish I owned a copy of it. VHS, DVD I don't care. Just something. To sum things up, its about drugs. But it goes a lot deeper than that. It tells about life, and digs into the human mind. Its brilliant to me. Hard to explain why I like it. I just do. I really hope someone gets ahold of a copy for me for Christmas. :D
Anyways...the first scene is a internal monologue by Renton, Ewan McGregor. I love that scene. I think everyone who's seen the movie does. Its classic. So I downloaded it today and have been listening to it all day. ;)
God I love accents...
But anyways!
Here's what it says:
Choose life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family. Choose a fucking big television. Choose washing machines, cars, compact disc players and electrical tin openers. Choose good health, low cholesterol, and dental insurance. Choose fixed interest mortgage repayments. Choose a starter home. Choose your friends. Choose leisurewear and matching fabrics. Choose DIY and wondering who the fuck you are on a Sunday morning. Choose sitting on that couch watching mind-numbing, spirit crushing game shows, stuffing junk food into your mouth. Choose rotting away at the end of it all, pishing your last in a miserable home, nothing more than an embarrassment to the selfish, fucked up brats you spawned to replace yourself. Choose a future. Choose life... But why would I want to do a thing like that?
I chose not to choose life. I chose somethin' else. And the reasons? There are no reasons...
Oooh I love it. Pure scottish goodness. *grins* Okay yeah...enough with the accents...
But a great movie none the less. I miss it...maybe I should go rent it?
Posted by Nikalyn at 09:27 PM | Comments (2)
November 08, 2002
Da Man
He's fing gorgeous. Yes...yes he is. Albeit he's a little short. I still luv him. I would shrink for him. Is that possible? Oh well. This song was in my head all day. Let's post the lyrics. Why? Because its my fing blog and I want to. Have a problem with that? Huh? Huh?! What?! Ok. I didn't think so. ;)
Again I go unnoticed by: Dashboard Confessional
So quiet
another wasted night,
the television steals the conversation
exhale,
another wasted breath,
again it goes unnoticed.
Please tell me you're just feeling tired
cause if it's more than that I feel that I might break
out of touch, out of time.
Please send me anything but signals that are mixed
cause I can't read your rolling eyes
out of touch, are we out of time?
Close lipped
another goodnight kiss
is robbed of all it's passion,
your grip
another time, is slack
it leaves me feeling empty.
I'll wait until tomorrow
maybe you'll feel better then
maybe we'll be better then
so what's another day
when I can't bear these nights of thoughts
of going on without you
this mood of yours is temporary
it seems worth the wait
to see your smile again
out of the corner of your eye
wont be the only way you'll look at me then
Oooh ooh and let's look at pictures of him!!!
Posted by Nikalyn at 05:32 PM | Comments (2)
November 06, 2002
What would you like to have been? Everything you hate
If today was a person I'd fucking kill it. And note to all who will attempt to read this, yes this will have personal ramblings and things you probably don't care one bit about. You might want to just leave.
Today was filled with several random events, all of which added to the fact that for some reason I've been getting depressed a lot again. And yes maybe I was making too much out of some of them...screw that because I don't care. This is how I see them.
1- First period today, before class chatting to a girl behind me about what to name her friend's newly found cat. I was so into the conversation I didn't notice that the morning announcements had came on. (We're supposed to be quiet while those are on) My teacher, my second favorite teacher, the one I feel very close to yelled at us. Very very very mean like. A kind of yelling that makes you just want to cringe and cry.(which I did but that was later) He cussed at us and bluntly told us to keep our damn mouths shut. I became so upset at this.
2- Second period today, still thinking about the being yelled at (I have a hard time letting things go) I got very very sad. I was on the verge of crying actually. Then my math teacher asked a question and I didn't have the faintest idea what the answer was. I made up something and he asked someone else. I started crying. Not loud sobs. Just tears filling my eyes and then gently running down my cheeks. I'm glad I could hide behind my glasses.
3- Third period, the guy I like is in this class. I spent most of the time staring at him realizing that I go through this same process every time I have the smallest feeling for someone. I sit and stare and desire but nothing ever comes from it. Not that I'm suprised. Who in their fucking right mind would want me? Jeremy just walked into my life, made me fall for him, then fucking screwed me over without even caring. Oh wait he did care. He apologized right? Yeah because his current girlfriend made him. Ugh. What kind of half assed shit is that? Of course it happens to me though. No one could ever love me. Why would they want to? I have nothing to offer them. And as my kind ninja pointed out , I'm ugly.
And this leads me to another bad point of the day....
3- Lynz said my crush maybe had something to do with the ninja. Not that we don't know who did it, we do. But she said that they often go into the computer lab together...so he probably was a part of it. I don't think he would do that. We're not the closest of friends but he doesn't hate me. But hey why wouldn't he do it? Just another person who finds a way to screw me over.
4- Physics....just that class. Mr. Hoffman, need I say more? The class is satan and I have so much due tomorrow that its not funny. Not that I have any idea how to do it. What pisses me off about this class is this girl who sits behind me. She can copy off me when she doesn't know some answers but when I don't know an answer she tells me to look the damn thing up. *blinks* What the fuck?
5- End of school, my mother was late to pick us up. Of course. She never did fucking pick us up. My aunt came strolling around at 3:15 and finally got us. 45 minutes after school let out. I fucking hate that shit. She does NOTHING all day. She has no job. The fucking least she can do is pick me up from school. Is that to much to ask? Seriously? Apparently it is. I'm not fucking important enough to be remembered. It just shows people's true feelings and where their priorities lie. I'm just not important enough to remember...yes...I have to remember this.
A great ending to the worst day. Ending? No. That wasn't the end. *points to the more link thingy*
6- Come home from school FINALLY at about 3:30. I come in to see my brother getting ready to leave for work. He takes the fucking playstation with him again!!!! FUCK! What the fuck is wrong with that man? I bought a playstation 2 game so I could play but he's the one with the playstation so I have to borrow his all the time. He'll give it to me on like a Friday night and I'll play it for awhile and then he'll want it back Saturday. WTF. Come on. Thats not enough time to get anywhere. Especially how I play. He always makes it a big fucking deal when he takes it back as well. Making me turn it off despite where I am in the fucking story line. He's such a prick. So knowing this wouldn't it make the most sense if he would let me borrow it during the week when he's at work until 8 in the morning???? YES! But he doesn't. He takes it with him. UGH. Even though this is a small thing it still bugs the fuck out of me. Just because he doesn't have the common courtesy to just let me use it. Come on. Its not like I'm playing his game...and in all actuality he didn't even buy the fucking playstation. He got it for Christmas. Why can't he just be fucking civil? UGH.
So after he left I pretty much just sat on the couch and cried some more. Maybe I really didn't have a reason to but this whole day was emotional and I hated every minute of it...I laid there and realized I should probably go downstairs in case my parents came home and yelled at me for crying. Note that yes I did say yell at me for crying. We aren't allowed to cry in this household. If you do you get yelled at...
7- I came downstairs and got on the computer. Since I haven't been on here for about 3 days. Sometime within this time Lynz pops up and said "well at least I liked it", later I find out she meant an e-card she had sent me. At the moment from being so shook up and not even thinking about my email I said that I hadn't even checked my email for three days. She apparently had one of those things where it tells you if the person you sent it to opened the card or not. And "caught me in a lie" even though I didn't even realize what I was doing. I told her this but she got pissed off...but why wouldn't she? I lied right? I didn't mean to lie. Fuck my mind is on too much crap right now, all pointing to the idea that I pretty much need to just crawl in a fucking hole and die. Who would care? Lynz got mad and since she was the only person I would name as the answer to that question....I figured truly crawling into that hole would be the best plan of action. Too bad I can't. Anyways...I'm sorry for lying. It really wasn't a big thing....at least nothing to be mad forever about. I loved the card. I loved the snow. It was pretty. Thanks for sending it to me. *smiles a little*
But yeah...I wish that hole existed.
Yes this is a selfish entry. I don't care. Again I'm faced with the realization that I'm sick of being such a overrall good person and getting shit back. I'm sick of being what someone once said "the best girlfriend ever" but yet no guy ever looks my way. I'm sick of it. Why can't I fucking have that happiness? Because apparently I don't deserve it. The guy I was talking about would never like me...not in a million years...why would he? *sighs* My parents don't care....my brother doesn't care...the one person I would before say cared for me is mad at me for my own stupidity, I was the cause of her being mad at myself.
What good am I? What purpose do I really serve?
I'm sorry this is such a selfish, whiny entry but I just want to wallow. I just want to sit here and pour my heart out...
I don't think I'm going to school tomorrow...just because I really don't feel in the mood to deal with that crap again....I just don't feel like doing anything right now. No, I take that back...I feel like a long shower.
"It might seem silly for me to think childish thoughts like these but i'm so tired of acting tough and i'm gonna to what i please."
Posted by Nikalyn at 04:41 PM | Comments (5)
November 04, 2002
The wonderful world of Pedo
Its amazing how many pedo porn sites I find when searching for the root word "ped. "
Now now before we go making Nik as a creepy little kid lover, hear me out.
I need a "ped" word. Meaning...a word that has the root ped in it. Now yes we can think of some simple ones...but those ones have already been taken. Searching for a word with this root word in it is not fun. Its simple enough to find a word with "ped" starting it, however you have to make sure that the ped comes from the greek word meaning child and not the other origin meaning feet.
Or...some other one meaning ground or something....
Easier said than done methinks.
*sighs* Dumb vocab word.
Oh well...
Back to the child porn viewing. Ha! Just kidding. ;)
Posted by Nikalyn at 08:13 PM | Comments (5)
November 03, 2002
Faces
Broken down, this place seems to have no face
There's no one moving forward now they're just drowning in it all
Walking around in circles with a never changing view
As hopeless as this seems there's a reason for everything
Trust me I know
I've been the same places and seen the same faces
that come and go
You're left wondering now
Can you resist somehow
But you've fallen behind again
Not knowing where you've been
Just where did you begin
And again, you're faces blank like they've always been
Ignoring everything that matters just following behind
Always pointing fingers now, no you're never the one to blame
I know you don't want to feel responsible for all that is real
Trust me I know
Posted by Nikalyn at 08:33 PM | Comments (0)
I think I have a crush
*zips her lips*
I will say no more.
People would probably kick my ass for it anyways.
*smirks*
Not like anything will come of it.
Its just nice to think about.
:)
Posted by Nikalyn at 07:35 PM | Comments (3)
November 01, 2002
I have a troll?
Hrm. How odd. I didn't even know someone was blasting me on my own blog. Hrm nice. First off its very cowardly of yourself to blast someone and leave fake addresses and a fake name. If you have a problem then either grow some balls so to speak and address me like a real person or just merely leave my site. I'm not forcing you to read anything. Second of all I'm not assuming anything. What I said came from someone who actually used to party with them so its the truth. Well they might not be necessarily "druggies" or drink all the time, however my friend said that they were going to hold parties which was going to include, making their campaign posters and drinking. Also its not really a hidden fact that a lot of people go out and get drunk almost every weekend, etc. Not exactly my idea of a good time. Calling them shallow came mainly from that and by seeing this it leads one to believe that their priorities might not be in the right place. However, it is high school. I in a way can understand that they want to have fun. Drugs and drinking and parties just seems a ignorant way of having fun. But hey thats just me.
Personally I have nothing against any of those people in the first place and am on a friendly basis with a few of them. Next, I am not in any stereotype. And have not "created" any stereotype. I am in no category and quite frankly why would I want to make one. Its fucking stupid. I treat everyone like equals which sadly I can't say the same for others at my school which is why I said they were the "popular" party. They never invited me to be in their party, which is perfectly fine, but instead invited only the people that they deemed "worthy." They never allowed just any old person to enter, which is how real parties are. Pretty much they were selective to only their friends. So actually if anyone created stereotypes, its them. However its the way school is and I don't mind a bit. Like I've previously stated, me and my friends are friendly to every person we come in contact with. We are on a talking basis with many of these "popular" people and call many of them our friends.
Unless you happen to be from my school or are one of these people that I apparently slammed I don't even know why that entry pertained to you. And if I do know you then you should come to me directly and confront me about it if you have a problem. If you are just some random person then again I say that nothing in that entry was your business.
It takes a real big person to bash a person on their blog and then run away. Good job. And for me being ugly? I'm not even going to entertain you with an answer. However, sure maybe I am, looks mean nothing and looks fade. Yeah I could come back and say that you're more than likely no better looking. But hey who knows, maybe you're fucking hot. But one thing I know for sure, I have a heart and soul a million times more beautiful than anything on your body. Slaming people like you are takes a fucking ugly person.
Save your comments and childish name calling to yourself. Do not waste your time and mine by leaving any comments unless you'd like to act like an adult, leave your real name, and talk to me about your problem.
Posted by Nikalyn at 06:15 PM | Comments (1)