[mood|pleased]
[music|"The Road to Lostwithiel" - BT]

This one isn't a poem. Its a narrative story I wrote for my Ap Comp class. Its autobiographic. Of course about my relationship with Jeremy. Its quite long. You gotta love me a whole lot if you're willing to read this....damn. :)

It had been about three months since it happened. That seemingly uneventful day where my life just sort of ended. Was there an exact moment where my roller coaster of a life began to slowly descend from its perch atop the track’s hill? Could there have been a single word or gesture or action that seemed to stop the world’s spin around me? In my eyes, the answer to this question was yes; and just like most teenagers that came before me, the reason of my sudden downfall rested in the khaki-covered lap of a member of the opposite sex.

His name was Jeremy. A long, flaxen haired, god-like being that from the moment he entered my life I knew was far too good for me. With hazel eyes and the whitest, most perfect smile I had ever seen in my life, the moment I laid eyes on him I adored him. He walked into my world with this lanky kind of stride, so confident and smooth. It was as if he knew every single eye was upon him but yet he neither noticed nor cared. And when I found myself walking hand in hand beside him I felt like the luckiest girl alive.

Our relationship lasted about five months, the most heart stopping, breath taking, meaningful five months of my life. Although our time together seemed short to people outside looking in, we felt that we had known each other our whole lives. We enjoyed the same activities, listened to the same music, acted the same way, and even finished each other’s sentences at times. Before we had even got together we often joked that we were soul mates, completely perfect for each other in every way. As our relationship progressed however, we took a hold of this idea and embraced it to the fullest; everyone around knew that Jeremy and myself were meant to be.

A few months into our relationship while talking on the phone one night we started talking about marriage. It was a casual conversation with me doing most of the talking, painting these extravagant pictures of the dream wedding I had wanted since I had been a little girl. I was to be married in Ireland, my favorite country, in a large enchanted castle. I would be dressed like a princess and on that day everything would be as if it were ripped out of a fairy tale. Sometime within my ramblings I noticed that he had gone quiet, a particularly strange thing for him to do.

“Jeremy? You alright in there?” I asked with a grin, tapping the phone for emphasis.
“Yeah, of course I am. I’m sorry for being so quiet, I’ve just been thinking about something,” he softly replied.
“Oh, really now? And what might that be?” I asked, coaxing him on.
“Will you marry me one day? I don’t mean tomorrow or anything. But like maybe you’ll want to later? Some time down the road?” he quickly blurted out.

Of course I was stunned. Here I sat, the girl that had never even got a date or went to a single dance before being asked to marry the most perfect guy I had ever met. None of it seemed even remotely real and without thinking twice I told him that the answer was “Yes.”

Over the next couple days I watched with this huge amount of pride as he told all his friends the good news. Of course it was still very informal, but we were both very happy about it and wanted the whole world to know. To me it felt as if everything I had ever wanted was finally coming true and for once in my life I had absolutely nothing to be sad about. My years of watching the pretty, popular girl get the guy were no more, for I was no longer the lonely bystander, I was the girl I had always wished to be.

Where it all went wrong I’m still to this day not quite sure. What I did wrong, I never did find out. All I know is that my picture-perfect romance fell apart and crumbled around my feet. One day I noticed a change in Jeremy. I had no idea what had brought it about or what exactly was different about him but I knew something was wrong. When I confronted him about it he dismissed everything with a set of reassuring words and went along his way. I never did completely believe those words but I always dropped the subject and left it alone never thinking that his strange behavior might be something huge.

Like a storm cloud on a sunny day, I never even saw it coming; he broke up with me. He gave me all those reasons that you hear on television, the “It’s not you, it’s me,” act, the “I just need some space,” act, and the “Don’t worry we can still be friends,” façade. None of the answers he ever gave me made any kind of sense. There was always a little voice inside of me telling myself that there had to be more to the story and that all he said couldn’t be the real reason behind his actions. But I accepted his explanations for there was nothing else I could do. No words I could say to make him change his mind, and no actions I could perform to make him come back to me.

For a few heart wrenching weeks I attempted to maintain a friendship with him. A harmless friendship on the outside but on the inside I tried to make it seem like nothing between us had changed but sadly that didn’t work. He seemed so unresponsive to everything I did and said to him that it was depressing to be around him. He had a way of making all my hope for us go directly down the proverbial drain and most the time it was too much to take. His actions hurt me so bad; it never seemed like he was sad without me, it never seemed as if he was even hurt that I was gone. Seeing him happy everyday was way too much for me to take and I wanted nothing more for him to show me some kind of emotion. This sentiment that I was desperately searching for however was never found. It was only a few weeks later that I found out the reason behind his complete lack of feelings.

Shortly after breaking up with me Jeremy started going back out with his ex girlfriend. This came as a total shock to me mainly because he had swore to me that he hadn’t even spoke to her since they stopped seeing each other. He had told everyone that he never wanted to get back into a relationship with her again because of some of the problems they had previous times. There had never been any inclination that he still had feelings for her nor wanted to go back with her. My heart was completely broken at this newly found knowledge and as I cried my tears into my pillow at night I wondered if he even loved me at all.

So many nights I lied awake thinking about him, crying over him, and simply remembering him. He had been the greatest thing in my life and now he was gone. He had made me the happiest I had ever been and to think that all our time together meant absolutely nothing to him hurt more than anything I had ever felt. I couldn’t imagine how he could simply throw our relationship away like he did especially for another that he said he never wanted anything to do with. I could not fathom that every word he had said, every nice gesture he had made, every “I love you” he had proclaimed, had been a lie. My days and nights were spent in my room, my pillow wrapped around my head, crying into the paper-thin sheets over all the things that could have been. This continued night after night, day after day, until one day out of the blue I didn’t want to cry anymore. I looked at myself in my bedroom mirror and realized how extremely pathetic I was. My eyes were sore and the sobs had no desire to surface again and I knew it was time to stop this madness.

After that day I realized I was so much better off without him. A wise friend had indeed already presented this information to me but of course I had paid no attention to it. But by looking in that mirror and seeing what he had turned me into, I knew I had to stop crying and get over him. I told myself that I would never completely forget him because he had played such a huge part in my life whether it meant that much to him or not. He had taught me so much and allowed me to experience things I never thought I would experience. In my heart I forgave that man despite all the horrible things he had done to me and from then on pushed his presence into distant memory so that the hurt wouldn’t be as great.

In life we must take many risks and despite how hard you try, the pain is inevitable. There are many twists and turns and bottoms of hills in this roller coaster of a life we all lead, but along with these bottoms there are tops. At the top of this hill lie happiness, and fulfillment and satisfaction and to m,e this overtakes all obstacles that wait along the track. If you get at least a few minutes of that happiness that sits on the top of that hill then all the hardship that comes along at the bottom is worth it.